I just can't sleep tonight....

I've always thought that the best time to start a blog is probably around 5:30 in the morning, because you just can't seem to fall back asleep. When Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and the book your currently attempting to read just aren't doing the trick. Maybe there's something on my mind that I just need to unload. Strangely, I didn't wake from a disturbing weird dream this time. At least twice this year, I have had terrifying dreams of my husband dying. The more recent time, I can recall that he "died" of an accidental pill overdose (so gangsta) and somehow by swallowing a hairbrush....of all things?!

I have been thinking about blogging for some time now, and I guess my excuse for not doing it has sort of been that "I didn't have the time." I'm now finding it odd that I named this blog "Made Alive in Christ," when I now realize that I seem to be plagued by the fear of death. I'm wondering if this fear is having something to do with my friend, whom I love dearly, having a seizure for the first time ever just last night.

Fear of death is a funny thing....my mom has been in and out of the hospital a lot in the last 2 and a 1/2 years, and though death has crossed my mind I haven't found that to be the hardest part. Well, since you asked, the hardest part for me was watching her struggle. Realizing that my mom was going to make it, but that she would never ever be the same. For the rest of her life, she would have to carry with her the symptoms caused by a massive brain aneurysm and a stroke.

Sitting here on my back porch watching the sunrise and listening to (what I think is) locusts while my cat searches for lizards, and I'm crying! Crying?! Why am I crying now?! I'll blame it on being tired, because that makes the most sense, but for some reason whenever I wake up with insomnia in the middle of the night, I always end of crying. Maybe (breaking out the counseling training) there are some pent up issues that I just haven't dealt with, or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe both.

I really don't know how long these blogs are intended to be (other than my high school/early college experience with "LiveJournal"), but I find myself wanting to keep typing so I guess I will. It's weird how you end up not caring if anyone ever reads what you write, but the point (I guess) is that you are able to write it. To "Say it" to whoever may be inclined to listen.

As a side note, I am impressed by how good my WiFi works on the back porch. Maybe I'll come out here more whenever it's no longer 90 degrees outside. I read through two chapters of "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller today. I just finished chapter 12 in an attempt to make myself sleepy. Hats off to you, Don, because I always feel pretty engaged reading your book. I normally have a chronic inability to finish any book, but this one I keep coming back too. I do realize that I'm about 5 or 6 years behind the trends in reading it, but try not to judge me if you can help it.

Something about what Donald has to say just speaks to my heart. I have a friend at work that is quoted as having said, "I think you'll be surprised at how your heart responds to this...," she wasn't talking about this book, but I feel a little like I know what she means. Sometimes I go into books, movies, c.d.s, sermons, etc. not really knowing how I will "Feel" about them. I think that I may have had an aversion to Donald Miller's book simply because of how trendy it was amongst my friends a few years back. What is it about my twenty-something, postmodern, hippie, former "scene kid" self that wants to adamantly be opposed to liking what is popular. Like somehow we think that it makes us "Cooler" to be a part of a movement that isn't "popular" or well-known to the average person. Don't we realize that by definition if something is a "movement" or a "style" it probably has a reasonable following. We become so set on being part of the "unique club" that maybe we forget how important it is to be able to relate and share something with other humans.

A bit off topic again....I'm starting to think that maybe it's an entirely different thing to survey "How you Feel" about something versus "What you Think" about something. Sometimes I find a movie that I think has way too much profanity, unnecessary nudity, and a complete disregard for morality; however, if someone asked me how I "Felt" when watching "Said Movie" I might say that I was really moved by it. I'm not trying to condone the immorality displayed in most movies today, but I guess what I'm getting at is that you can find some good in just about anything. I mean, when it comes down to it, we were all manufactured by the same Creator and He "breathed" into us the same "life blood". We were all created to be like Him. We were all made in the image of God. Even those who haven't decided that they want anything to do with God display evidence that He exists.

He exists. This is the one thing that is truly able to make me feel ALIVE. The one thing that makes me able to drag myself out of bed in the morning, when in all honesty I would much rather sleep. There's a creative Creator who desires for me to be a part of His story. He wants me to spend more time with Him, so that I can be more like Him, so that I can live out His story instead of the one I keep trying to write. I guess that's where this blog is going to end..."Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

Well...off to work I go!