Baby Kicks and Pregnant Ramblings: Things You Probably Should Not Say To A Pregnant Woman

(Or, maybe more specifically a pregnant woman who has been through a miscarriage)

For those who are unaware, I am almost 6 months pregnant!! Wowee!! Although, I do very much appreciate how invested people are in our lives, and the life of my unborn child...and, I'm very thankful for all of the advice and help that we are given....sometimes, I don't like how the advice/comments make me feel. I thought that perhaps I am not the only "Prego" who feels this way.

So, since most pregnant women carry their babies for around 9 to 10 months, I decided to compile my list of 9 to 10 things that I think you should avoid saying to pregnant women. If you have said any of these things to me or another pregnant woman, it's okay, I'm not expecting an apology, please consider yourself forgiven. I am indeed guilty as well. I think that it's often easy to say things without realizing they could be offensive. Especially, if you aren't in that situation, or just haven't been there in awhile. Well, here it is!

9 to 10 Things You Probably Shouldn't Say To A Pregnant Woman:

1) "You haven't felt the baby move, yet?! That's weird." (Perhaps, if it's our first time, We have and just thought it was gas, cramps, or normal stomach growls...or maybe we won't feel him until a bit down the road. What I don't need is any reason to think that my baby isn't okay in there!)

2) "Wow, you aren't gaining weight very fast." Or, "Slow down there! You don't want to gain too much weight and have trouble losing it!" (I appreciate the sentiment, however oftentimes weight gain is the least of our worries. If my doctor isn't concerned, then generally speaking, neither am I. I can't speak for yours, but my OB has been through this a few times)

3) "You must be feeling better about losing your last baby, since you have this one." (Yep, everything is fixed now. Sorry for the sarcasm, but the truth is...it doesn't replace your other baby, and nothing ever will. However, the excitement of a new baby and the busyness of planning and preparing do help a bit with the grieving process. It changes your focus and priorities, for one thing)

4) "Whoa, Mama! Are you sure you aren't having twins?!" "You look like you're about to pop!" Or, "I'm surprised you can fit through the door!" (Really, any phrases that will make them feel twice as huge as they do already. Sure, knowing we have a nice, normal-sized baby bump is reassuring, but we don't want to feel like whales. Tell us we're glowing, or wearing it well...I'm not telling you to lie to us, but (God forgive me) yeah, go ahead and stretch the truth if you must. : )

5) "You really shouldn't be eating that right now in your condition." Or, "Maybe that's what you're craving, but are you sure that's what is best for baby?" (Okay, there are definitely some exceptions to this rule, but come on people! Give us a break! It's hard enough to handle food aversions and cravings and manage to get down enough calories during rough portions of our pregnancy! Allow us a little wiggle room to eat more than water and veggies without being nagged in the lunch room. We are trying to do our best. We DO happen to care about the health of our self and our unborn child too)

6) "Don't worry, preggers here is upset because of her fluctuating hormones! Just ignore her." Or, "She probably just messed up because she has pregnancy brain!" (Perfect! During a time when we need the extra emotional support, and don't want to feel alone...we get to feel patronized and ignored! Try not to make pregnant moms feel isolated, misunderstood, or crazy. Even if we do act like 'Pregzillas' at times, we still deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. Give us a little extra patience, if you would be so kind)

7) "Don't sit like that! You'll squish the baby!!" (Yes, someone at work actually said this to me, because I needed one more reason to feel paranoid in my daily life)

8) "You're feeling nauseas?! You should be happy, because that's a good sign."
(Well, forgive ME for NOT delighting in puking. As a side note, do the other pregnant moms or formerly pregnant moms have to rub in the fact that their pregnancies are/were a breeze without any undesirable symptoms to speak of? "So, you didn't have morning sickness, get stretch marks, or have trouble losing the baby weight? Yippee for you, but I kind of can't relate.")

9) "What do you mean you don't have your baby's room ready yet?!"
(I guess finding out yesterday that it was a boy didn't allow us quite enough time to finish. None of us want anyone making us feel like 4 months from our due date is way behind schedule to have everything done. Preparing for a baby is a process full of projects and decisions that take time and consideration. And, it's not like the only thing we have going on is baby preparation...most of us have jobs, etc. Please give first time parents a little extra grace, as it's all new to them, and it can become quite overwhelming)

And, one more about childbirth, for good measure:

10) " Completely natural birth is the only way to go! Any mom who doesn't do it is selfish and weak." (I don't see anything wrong with at least weighing your options. Every mom and every birth are different. There are pros and cons to most options in pregnancy and parenting. If you ask your grandmothers and mothers about how they did things you might be shocked! I think that the best choice is being prepared to be flexible with your choices, if needed. So please, I beg you, don't judge me if I opt for some pain killers)

I probably sound more bitter and angry here than I actually am. Admittedly, I have had my moments of major frustration, but I try to be patient and understanding with people. If you or someone you know has been pregnant before, then you might know that this is a time to expect much incoming advice....some asked for and some volunteered. While I value the wisdom and experience of others, I try to take it all with a grain of salt (forgive the overused cliche), because I have found that many doctors don't even agree.

While, each mother can try to read all of the latest research on everything (most of us probably are), it won't always match up or give clear, concrete answers. Many studies remain relatively inconclusive, as they don't want to do lab testing on pregnant women or infants. In addition, things that my mother was told when myself or my siblings were in the womb have sometimes changed dramatically. My grandmother told me about a time when almost no one she knew was breast feeding. My sister's doctor is fine with many over the counter medicines, and mine is not.

Believe me, people, I enjoy pregnancy. It is very fun and exciting...and also scary and life-changing. Life changing usually means great joy and great sacrifice. So many changes, so many choices, so many challenges. It's amazing how all this can affect the mother and father in different ways.

Some days, I'm ready to face the world and do it all. Other days, I feel a bit defeated, belittled even....like because I'm a new parent, everyone thinks that I must know nothing. I think we all have a desire to feel valued, respected, and considered to be capable. Capable also means being treated like we're able to make wise decisions about how to take care of ourselves and our baby.

And, in closing--as of a week and a half ago--I have felt my baby kick, and so has my husband! It is pretty incredible! There is a life growing inside of me, and He is letting me know that my baby is alive and well!

If you are a pregnant woman, or someone planning to have a baby, I advise you (Oh no! Not more advice! What am I a hypocrite?!) to try and enjoy each moment. I think that one of my biggest mistakes in life is being too anxious for the next stage or the next big thing to arrive. Enjoy it all! You will never have these moments back! Take a picture, write in your journal, and thank God for this time in your life and for it's positives.

Remember God's words to Jeremiah- "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;his love endures forever."
(1 Chronicles 16:34 NIV)

"for gaining wisdom and instruction;
for understanding words of insight....let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance...The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:2, 5, 7 NIV)