Searching For God Knows What

Okay, 6 a.m. again....although, this time I lay in bed crying for an hour and a half about the fact that my head, neck, jaw, and whole body hurt for some reason, the fact that I was supposed to get 3 more hours asleep but simply couldn't, and the fact that I have yet to find a job after almost 2 months of unemployment. I had taken medicine, used an ice pack, let my husband rub my head and back and hug me for awhile, and read some scripture before realizing that I was not going to fall back to sleep. I got up to find my book in the living room and read for awhile, but got distracted at the sight of my laptop...planning to blog......but, instead of blogging I wasted nearly an hour on the internet.

What does this prove? I am hopelessly distracted. I cannot seem to focus on one task for very long at all. I blame the modern media. I blame today's culture. I blame....okay, okay....no one to blame but myself. I am not incapable of focusing, but rather I choose to let myself be distracted. After glancing over the history list on my computer I find that I have been spending most of my (non-distracted) time looking for a job....and, failing. I am no sincerely concerned that maybe I really don't have any marketable skills. Admittedly, I found myself somewhat accidentally stumbling upon a job placement agency last week. Once I found it, and they called me to schedule an interview, I decided to go through with it....couldn't hurt, right?

I now find that these companies feel a bit like online dating sites. They lure you in with their attractive qualities and promises, and yet when it comes down to it you are not that much better off than you were on your own. There is the fact that they encourage you and build up your confidence to be successful, but really and truly you are still working with the same package....you. They do give you one particularly good thing though....the ability to market yourself. They agree to sell "You" to those who might be interested....those desperately seeking a "Single, White, Female with blonde hair, blue eyes, and excellent office skills (now...what man is looking for that exact description other then my husband...I do not know)."

Slightly changing subjects....being unemployed has allowed me to do some things that I normally would not have time for: cleaning and organizing my house, helping my husband more with his ministry, going on trips, visiting my family more, and...possibly what I've spent the most time doing....reading. I have been reading everything from Harry Potter to my old Psychology books. I have enjoyed every bit of it. Reading just because you feel like reading brings me so much more joy than reading for a grade ever did. Books provide me with so many different things....an escape from the world I'm living in, challenges to be a better person, learning more about who God is and who I am because of Him, and simply giving me a reason to live and live well.

I recently read Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" and have since started reading his "Searching For God Knows What." I believe that the second has already proven to be as interesting as the first. Donald Miller makes me think in a way that I haven't done in quite some time. He challenges me and wakes me up. I have also started reading the second Harry Potter, "Chamber of Secrets," and Arron Chambers book, "Remember Who You Are."

Despite what I said about reading Harry Potter so that I could escape from my present world into a world of fantasy and magic, the story of Harry Potter and how he overcomes the obstacles in his life is actually quite inspiring. I can't help but think of many orphaned teenagers, or teenagers stuck in terrible home environments that would love nothing more than to be taken away to a new world where they are valued, appreciated, and loved. I recently read in "Chamber of Secrets" how Harry finds that the biggest difference between the Weasleys' home and the Dursleys' home where he grew up is that all of the Weasleys' seemed to genuinely like him.

Arron Chambers' book is truly something great. I would recommend it to anyone, and I am in fact recommending that my small group do a study on it after we finish our current book.

I'd better go get ready now as my friend Crystal and I have a date with some butter beer in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter....mmm, nothing like Butter Beer for breakfast. : )

Job Hunting- It's Dangerous!

It's official, I only blog whenever I have insomnia.....

So.....I recently quit my job, by recently I mean almost 5 months ago, but my last official day was about a month ago.

Since then I have had an interesting journey into what it means to be a "Real" Adult and apply for jobs. I have had a few interviews at this point, and none of them have been fruitful. It's pretty frustrating and stressful to put a lot of time into something and not have it pan out (side note- where does the expression "pan out" come from....panning for gold?!). I realize now that this is a normal problem to have at my age and in my situation. I went into college thinking not so much about my future and what kind of job I might like to have, but more about the overall experience and what I might like to study. I'm not going to say that I regret my decisions, but I do realize now (in retrospect) that there may have been other decisions that would make job hunting a bit easier.

Being an education major, for example, you're going in to get a teaching degree and you're leaving with the ability to find and get a teaching job. I almost chose teaching. I'm good with kids, my mom was teacher, my sister was almost a teacher and I would almost certainly be good at it too. However, when it came time to declare our majors, counseling seemed more interesting to me. I had a general psychology class during my senior year of high school and the teacher was very cool and funny, so OF COURSE I should be a counseling major.....excellent reasoning.

It turns out that I'm not entirely sure if there are any jobs in the counseling field that are really that appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that I myself am scared of the idea of going through counseling. I don't see it as something weird to do. I know that it's misguided to think that only crazy people go through therapy, and I know that I've been through plenty of things that are sure to mess me up in the head and make it a good idea for me to talk to a counselor....but, I just don't want to. I guess it's just fear. I think that a lot of that fear comes from a lack of trust.

Now, call me crazy (HA), but I somehow find it difficult to trust even a counselor who is required to keep what I tell her private. I don't think I really trust much of anyone. There have been a few select friends in my life who I have been able to open up to on a deeper level and tell things that I wouldn't tell most people, but I still haven't told them everything. I haven't really opened up about all my deepest hurt, pain, regret, shame, insecurities, and fears. On the contrary, I keep most people at arms length or more....on a sort of shallow level. I keep some people a little closer than arms length, and that is about it.

Let me admit, I'm a bit creeped out by hugs. I like getting them, but I hesitate to give them....especially to men.....I don't know why. I realized recently that I'm scared of the words "I love you," unless it's to my husband or a family member. I think this is just my paranoia or insecurity. I'm scared to tell someone that I love them unless I've heard them say it and I've said it back at least a hundred times, I think. At the point, I guess in my mind I finally believe that they really mean it, and it's not just something that they are saying in the moment or out of obligation. And, I am generally paranoid as to how much anyone really likes me.

I feel a little like a hypocrite, because I think that one of the sins that I struggle with the most, and yet also struggle the most to admit to, is gossip. I am so paranoid that other people don't really like me and that they are going to talk bad about me behind my back, and then I go and gossip all the time. I guess you could call it a case of the old cliche that "putting down other people makes us feel better about ourselves." I also think that maybe I tend to be a bit to open and honest in front of some of my friends. I then worry that the friends I'm comfortable gossiping in front of will become paranoid that I'm gossiping about them too, and then my whole life will be ruined because I will have no friends.

I use every tiny little situation where someone talks behind my back or says something negative about me as validation that they all hate me and talk bad about me all the time and that they would really rather not have me around at all. I blow everything out of proportion and worry far too much about the little things. My mother would say that I "Sweat the Small Stuff" and Kevin James would back me up on it.

All of this randomness is like a tour of my brain if you ask my husband. I change from one topic to the next like an endless circle connecting each subject my a tiny thread until I finally come full circle back to the start (usually after saying, "Now, what was I talking about," or "How did we start talking about this again). What I wanted to say is that job hunting stinks. I hate it. It seems exciting in the beginning.....like shopping for new clothes, finding a house, choosing a hotel, buying a new car.....but, like all of these things, in the end it comes down to a decision. The decision that you make be a big one or a small one, but for an indecisive person like myself every decision is painful.

It's like choosing a path, and it's okay if you pick one that takes you somewhere you don't wanna be. Getting started is what I see as the hard part. The first decision is to search for a job opportunity. Once you find one, then you decide whether or not you should apply. Once you have applied, then you have to decide how long you should wait before you try to follow up with the organization (or if you're like me you'll become depressed after a week of no word and assume that they don't want you). In the beginning I was very naive. I thought that every job interview would end with a definite offer and the ball was always in my court, but as it turns out, I've already faced plenty of rejection. Some people reject you before they have a chance to even meet with you. I've never felt so rejected in my life.

I guess what's strange is the part of me that is still keeping my head up and believing that I deserve a job that I will enjoy, and that will give extra meaning to my life. Ironically, I'm not looking for a job to add meaning to my life. I haven't worked in a month and I enjoy my life without work. I still volunteer at church 3 or 4 days a week and I am plenty busy just helping my husband with his job at church. I am looking for a a job to add extra money to my life, because right now we are living on a pretty tight budget.

We've come up with a workable plan. We can easily pay our bills with one income, but what we can't do is pay off our car more quickly than they would like us too, pay off my student loans before I die, and start actually saving money for when we decide to buy another car, or a house, or have kids. These things are all pretty important to me, and I really need to have a job in order to do that. I've thought about "making our (marriage) relationship into my job and staying home and wearing stretchy pants and watching t.v. all day," but I just don't think it's gonna work out.

I'm praying for the Peace that passes understanding to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. I know that it can, because it always does, but sometimes waiting is the hardest part of the equation. I like to be in control of my life, to know what's going to happen next....to have a plan. But, as it turns out, I don't really know what tomorrow brings, and I've heard that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Worry is a major sickness, and I have to be careful or it will takeover my whole body...it will start with my brain, work it's way to my heart, and then that will be it. "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication submit your requests to God......"

I'm trying, Lord. : )

"Cats, Puppies, and Friends"

Dear Bloggers and Blog Readers,



About a year and a half ago, I became very interested in the idea of getting a puppy. I was "Online Puppy Shopping", researching types of dogs, thinking about moving to a house with a fenced-in backyard, etc., etc. Since then, I have moved to a house with a fenced-in backyard, and (ironically) brought my cat from my parents' house to live with us instead. I would still like to have a dog someday, but our cat is a little crazy, and I feel strongly that she could seriously injure most dogs. My friend Jessica loves to bring home stray dogs that she finds. I think it's pretty awesome, and I'm a little jealous. I love how dogs ADORE their owners and follow them around everywhere. My cat, Dottie, sort of does this too.

Last night, for example, she woke me up every couple of hours meowing and scratching at things in order to wake me up. I have no idea what is wrong with her. She sort of reminds me of a crying baby or a mischievous toddler who acts out for attention. My husband, unfortunately, does not take kindly to this. Although, he does say that her "One redeeming quality" is that she is the "Single Softest Living Thing on the Planet." It is because of this that every night before bed he lets her cuddle with him and sleep on top of him for awhile. She is a mess. She hisses at most of our friends out of fear, and once she actually scratched one of our friends in the face for getting too close. Her real problem (I have deciphered after many psychology classes) is that when it comes to the "Fight or Flight" conundrum, she has no "Flight reflex," she is a fighter.

Sometimes I think that Dottie and I have similar issues when it comes to making friends. We really do like people, but sometimes we have trouble letting people in. We are afraid of people because we don't trust them yet, and we need to get to know them better. I sometimes think that I am a terrible friend, but I don't know why. I know that I have trouble letting people in, and that I am probably more judgmental and impatient than I should be.

I've realized that when I thought that I really needed a dog, what I really needed was friends. This probably sounds pretty sad and pathetic, but 2 years ago Josh and I moved to Melbourne. For the first time in over 4 years, we were moving to a new place....away from the college we went to, away from all of our college friends, and trying to start new. It was really difficult for awhile. Even though we had our work friends and we had people in our congregation that were very friendly....it just wasn't the same.

Then, about a year ago, I started to develop some more REAL friendships. Our preacher's daughter and son-in-law moved locally, and we started getting to know them better. Me and a couple of girls in my office became closer. I was even asked to be in someone's wedding. A girl who I knew in college, but never was very close to, moved back and starting working with me. I knew right away that we would hit it off. Then, a guy from South Carolina moved down and started coming to our church. It's amazing how God puts the puzzle pieces together in your life. He really always knows exactly what we need, but sometimes it doesn't happen as quickly as we would like.

I wouldn't trade this last year for anything, despite the bad times, the commuting, and the stress. God knew exactly what I needed, and I feel like I'm in a really great place right now.

John 1: 43-46, "The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, "Follow Me." Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote--Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph." "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked. "COME and SEE," said Philip.

I just can't sleep tonight....

I've always thought that the best time to start a blog is probably around 5:30 in the morning, because you just can't seem to fall back asleep. When Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and the book your currently attempting to read just aren't doing the trick. Maybe there's something on my mind that I just need to unload. Strangely, I didn't wake from a disturbing weird dream this time. At least twice this year, I have had terrifying dreams of my husband dying. The more recent time, I can recall that he "died" of an accidental pill overdose (so gangsta) and somehow by swallowing a hairbrush....of all things?!

I have been thinking about blogging for some time now, and I guess my excuse for not doing it has sort of been that "I didn't have the time." I'm now finding it odd that I named this blog "Made Alive in Christ," when I now realize that I seem to be plagued by the fear of death. I'm wondering if this fear is having something to do with my friend, whom I love dearly, having a seizure for the first time ever just last night.

Fear of death is a funny thing....my mom has been in and out of the hospital a lot in the last 2 and a 1/2 years, and though death has crossed my mind I haven't found that to be the hardest part. Well, since you asked, the hardest part for me was watching her struggle. Realizing that my mom was going to make it, but that she would never ever be the same. For the rest of her life, she would have to carry with her the symptoms caused by a massive brain aneurysm and a stroke.

Sitting here on my back porch watching the sunrise and listening to (what I think is) locusts while my cat searches for lizards, and I'm crying! Crying?! Why am I crying now?! I'll blame it on being tired, because that makes the most sense, but for some reason whenever I wake up with insomnia in the middle of the night, I always end of crying. Maybe (breaking out the counseling training) there are some pent up issues that I just haven't dealt with, or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe both.

I really don't know how long these blogs are intended to be (other than my high school/early college experience with "LiveJournal"), but I find myself wanting to keep typing so I guess I will. It's weird how you end up not caring if anyone ever reads what you write, but the point (I guess) is that you are able to write it. To "Say it" to whoever may be inclined to listen.

As a side note, I am impressed by how good my WiFi works on the back porch. Maybe I'll come out here more whenever it's no longer 90 degrees outside. I read through two chapters of "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller today. I just finished chapter 12 in an attempt to make myself sleepy. Hats off to you, Don, because I always feel pretty engaged reading your book. I normally have a chronic inability to finish any book, but this one I keep coming back too. I do realize that I'm about 5 or 6 years behind the trends in reading it, but try not to judge me if you can help it.

Something about what Donald has to say just speaks to my heart. I have a friend at work that is quoted as having said, "I think you'll be surprised at how your heart responds to this...," she wasn't talking about this book, but I feel a little like I know what she means. Sometimes I go into books, movies, c.d.s, sermons, etc. not really knowing how I will "Feel" about them. I think that I may have had an aversion to Donald Miller's book simply because of how trendy it was amongst my friends a few years back. What is it about my twenty-something, postmodern, hippie, former "scene kid" self that wants to adamantly be opposed to liking what is popular. Like somehow we think that it makes us "Cooler" to be a part of a movement that isn't "popular" or well-known to the average person. Don't we realize that by definition if something is a "movement" or a "style" it probably has a reasonable following. We become so set on being part of the "unique club" that maybe we forget how important it is to be able to relate and share something with other humans.

A bit off topic again....I'm starting to think that maybe it's an entirely different thing to survey "How you Feel" about something versus "What you Think" about something. Sometimes I find a movie that I think has way too much profanity, unnecessary nudity, and a complete disregard for morality; however, if someone asked me how I "Felt" when watching "Said Movie" I might say that I was really moved by it. I'm not trying to condone the immorality displayed in most movies today, but I guess what I'm getting at is that you can find some good in just about anything. I mean, when it comes down to it, we were all manufactured by the same Creator and He "breathed" into us the same "life blood". We were all created to be like Him. We were all made in the image of God. Even those who haven't decided that they want anything to do with God display evidence that He exists.

He exists. This is the one thing that is truly able to make me feel ALIVE. The one thing that makes me able to drag myself out of bed in the morning, when in all honesty I would much rather sleep. There's a creative Creator who desires for me to be a part of His story. He wants me to spend more time with Him, so that I can be more like Him, so that I can live out His story instead of the one I keep trying to write. I guess that's where this blog is going to end..."Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

Well...off to work I go!