6 Lessons I've Learned in 6 Weeks or So: Sleeplessness, "SIDS", and So Much More!

Forgive me, Bloggers (and blog readers) it's been over a month since my last blog. I wanted to blog more often, but you see the thing is...I had a baby. I used to blog most often when I had insomnia, and that seems to be a rare thing when you have a newborn in your house.

Whenever your baby will sleep at night, you usually try to sleep. And, whenever your baby will sleep during the day, you want to sleep too...only, you have these other things that come up like: Eating, Showering, Using the Restroom, Housework, and Socializing with other humans. They weren't lying when they warned us. Let me just come out and say it, I definitely miss sleep.

So, to kick off the "6 Lessons I've Learned".....

#6- Your life will truly never be the same after having a baby (and that means...don't count on sleeping 8 hours or more at night for the forseeable future).

It's hard on the mom...you're trying to recover from labor & delivery, 9 or so months of pregnancy, and if you are planning to nurse it can be worse. I know all about the numerous benefits of nursing, but I wasn't really aware of the challenges. That brings me to my next lesson...

#5- It's alot of pressure to be not only the person responsible for carrying your child inside of you, but also the one solely in charge of their nourishment for awhile!

New moms out there- I'm being honest here, nursing was extremely difficult and highly frustrating for me in the beginning. I totally understand why many women get discouraged! It is A LOT of pressure, especially when the nurses give you any indication that your baby is not perfectly healthy.

Being a new parent, in general, can definitely cause a lot of anxiety. I'll never forget one of the funniest things that my husband said to me in the early weeks. As we're getting into bed one night he says, "I found out what SIDS stands for"...."Oh, yeah?"...."Scared Inexperienced Daddy Syndrome." It's funny because it's true.

In the first weeks (okay, sometimes still now), we would lie in bed awake listening to Josiah breathe, jump up out of bed if he made a funny sound. "Was that a sneeze? A hiccup? A cough? Is he spitting up?" This also reminded me of how Josh used to check on me at night, after we first got married, to make sure that I was breathing. Which brings me to my next lesson...

#4- My husband is incredible. I am so utterly blessed. He is an amazing partner & father.

And, my next one as well...

#3- It's completely normal to, on occasion, be totally freaked out about being a new parent.

I think Josh and I take turns being freaked out. I've realized quickly that there are so many things I took for granted or didn't understand before. It's easy to look at parents and make judgements when you have no clue what they're going through. I can also say with full certainty that no amount of babysitting or nieces & nephews prepared me for this.

#2- You may feel a bit like a superhero after giving birth. Although it's a bit more like Wonderwoman after she's taken a major beating...it's still a confidence booster. : )

I think it's one of those things in life that makes you feel like, "If I can do this, I can do anything." And, no wonder my mother is such an incredibly strong woman of God...she's done this 5 times!!

And, lastly, the most important...

#1- Everything we have been through, are going through, or will go through is all worth it for the adorable little guy that is now in our lives. We are so thankful.

"Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place. Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let them say among the nations, "The Lord reigns!" Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever." (1 Chronicles 16:8, 9, 24, 27, 31, 34 NIV)

You Know You're 9 Months Pregnant When...

So...we're almost there...finally! A little more than 3 weeks from our due date! It seems that things don't always go as planned when preparing for a child. In the past few months, we've had: a broken car (for 6 weeks), 2 broken toilets (at the same time), a leaky a/c unit, multiple flooded bedrooms (and ruined flooring), and now a sick husband with a fever and strep throat.

My doctor has officially ordered bedrest, so no more work for me! I don't have to stay in bed, but I have to take it easy. She is worried about my high blood pressure and the level of amniotic fluid being a little low. We have been to the hospital several times for ultrasounds lately. We were thinking that our son might need to make an early appearance, but so far he's staying put.

So, all that being said, I've decided to compile another list. This one is called,

"You Know You're 9 Months Pregnant When":

1) Your blood pressure and the pressure to have everything ready are higher than ever before.

2) Heartburn is your worst enemy (And TUMS are your new best friend).

3) The bathroom is your new office (My sweet baby's head is pressed right on my bladder).

4) Sleeping through the night seems like a distant dream (And when you get the chance to nap, you wish you could sleep all day).

5) Time seems to be moving slower than ever before (Counting down the days takes on a whole new meaning)!

6) It seems your house will never be clean enough or organized enough (And, how am I supposed to properly give in to my nesting instincts, when the doctor puts me on bedrest?)!

7) Your emotional outbursts and mood swings can get a bit out of hand (Sorry dear hubby for getting to be the victim and the emotional counselor)!

8) You're having strange labor dreams and/or baby dreams almost every night (This is, of course, when I sleep long enough to achieve dreaming).

9) Your husband starts to twitch from stress, when ever you mention the idea of baby coming sooner than planned.

10) When you are sitting/lying down, you have to seriously consider whether or not getting up for something is worth the effort.

11) Strangers stare at your belly when you walk into a room (Hey Buddy, my eyes are up here)!

12) When friends and family haven't seen you in a while, their first words are..."Wow! You're getting big!"

I'm praying for patience a lot at this point. I'm also trying to remind myself, that whether or not everything is perfect, our child will be loved. If my to-do list isn't all checked off, if our house isn't all ready for company, and if our baby doesn't have everything he needs for the first year of his life...we'll still be okay.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."(Matthew 6:33, 34 NIV)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:2-5 NIV)

My son- Josiah James- What's in a name?

"Let Hope Rise...and darkness tremble in Your holy light...."

My son is scheduled to be born in about five weeks! We are so excited about our growing family, and we can't believe that we are about to be parents for the first time! I'm so thankful to have Josh as my husband, partner, and best friend through all of this. I am seriously blessed beyond measure.

In January of this year, we started to really work through grieving the baby we lost, by sharing that information with others. In February, we learned that I was pregnant again! In March, we announced it to the world. In April, we had our first ultrasound. In May, we found out that it was a boy. In June, we settled on a name for him, and felt his kicks for the first time. Yep, it's been an eventful year already.

Shall we continue then...In July, we attended the NACC in Orlando and CIY: MOVE in Tennessee. In August, we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And, here we are now, September...counting down the days to our due date...35, by the way.

Back in August, we had our third ultrasound...and saw that he is healthy and growing fast! Then, we attended our first baby classes at the hospital. Starting this week, I am officially going seasonal at Disney. And, yesterday we had our first baby shower! So, the reality is setting in...I'm going to be a mommy soon!

Of course, I can't speak from personal experience and say that I will love being a mommy. I also can't say if I will enjoy being a stay at home mom most of the time. But, I can say, that I am more excited to meet my son than I have been about anything else in my life (besides accepting Christ, and my wedding day of course)!

Our little Josiah is moving and kicking and flipping like crazy, and I can't wait to see what he's like outside the womb. He has already brought so much joy to our lives. I wonder if he will ever know how much hope he has given us. Could he understand how much healing and restoration his mere existence has given?

In the Bible, there are many stories of babies bringing hope. Abraham was 100 years old when his wife Sarah gave birth to his son Isaac, just at the time God had promised him. Moses was rescued from a great genocide of baby boys, and his life was used by God to save his people from slavery.

Naomi and Ruth came from a life of great tragedy, losing both husbands and sons. When Ruth re-married, she gave birth to the grandfather of the great King David. Zechariah and Elizabeth were unable to conceive. In their old age, they conceived a son who we know as John the Baptist.

Of course, the greatest hope brought by a baby doesn't need much explanation. Since it isn't Christmas time, I'll skip the full story of the birth of Christ and how He changed everything for the good of all. How Mary conceived as a virgin, and her baby was born to save the world from their sin.

But, why did we choose the name Josiah James? Well, the name James came easily. Josh's grandfathers on both sides of the family have James in their name, and we were able to choose it pretty quickly.

The Josiah of the Bible became king when he was 8 years old, and reigned for over 30 years. He did what was right in God's eyes, and purified the kingdom after the ruling of many evil kings. He brought restoration and healing to God's people.

The name Josiah is a Hebrew name. When translated, it means: "Jehovah helps," "The Lord saves," or the Biblical meaning is "God has healed." Besides the great story of Josiah in the Bible, (and the fact that it's a "J" name) we felt that the meaning of the name goes along with our story.

Josiah has brought healing and restoration to our family, even before his birth. And, although we're still broken and scarred, "God is healing". Sharing the meaning of his name with people has even given me the opportunity to talk to my coworkers about the Bible! It's amazing what God can do!

"Josiah was eight years old when he became king...He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord...not turning aside to the right or to the left...The king stood by his pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord—to follow the Lord and keep his commands, statutes and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, and to obey the words of the covenant written in this book...Josiah removed all the detestable idols from all the territory belonging to the Israelites, and he had all who were present in Israel serve the Lord their God. As long as he lived, they did not fail to follow the Lord, the God of their ancestors." (2 Chronicles 34:1, 2, 31, 33 NIV)

Baby Kicks and Pregnant Ramblings: Things You Probably Should Not Say To A Pregnant Woman

(Or, maybe more specifically a pregnant woman who has been through a miscarriage)

For those who are unaware, I am almost 6 months pregnant!! Wowee!! Although, I do very much appreciate how invested people are in our lives, and the life of my unborn child...and, I'm very thankful for all of the advice and help that we are given....sometimes, I don't like how the advice/comments make me feel. I thought that perhaps I am not the only "Prego" who feels this way.

So, since most pregnant women carry their babies for around 9 to 10 months, I decided to compile my list of 9 to 10 things that I think you should avoid saying to pregnant women. If you have said any of these things to me or another pregnant woman, it's okay, I'm not expecting an apology, please consider yourself forgiven. I am indeed guilty as well. I think that it's often easy to say things without realizing they could be offensive. Especially, if you aren't in that situation, or just haven't been there in awhile. Well, here it is!

9 to 10 Things You Probably Shouldn't Say To A Pregnant Woman:

1) "You haven't felt the baby move, yet?! That's weird." (Perhaps, if it's our first time, We have and just thought it was gas, cramps, or normal stomach growls...or maybe we won't feel him until a bit down the road. What I don't need is any reason to think that my baby isn't okay in there!)

2) "Wow, you aren't gaining weight very fast." Or, "Slow down there! You don't want to gain too much weight and have trouble losing it!" (I appreciate the sentiment, however oftentimes weight gain is the least of our worries. If my doctor isn't concerned, then generally speaking, neither am I. I can't speak for yours, but my OB has been through this a few times)

3) "You must be feeling better about losing your last baby, since you have this one." (Yep, everything is fixed now. Sorry for the sarcasm, but the truth is...it doesn't replace your other baby, and nothing ever will. However, the excitement of a new baby and the busyness of planning and preparing do help a bit with the grieving process. It changes your focus and priorities, for one thing)

4) "Whoa, Mama! Are you sure you aren't having twins?!" "You look like you're about to pop!" Or, "I'm surprised you can fit through the door!" (Really, any phrases that will make them feel twice as huge as they do already. Sure, knowing we have a nice, normal-sized baby bump is reassuring, but we don't want to feel like whales. Tell us we're glowing, or wearing it well...I'm not telling you to lie to us, but (God forgive me) yeah, go ahead and stretch the truth if you must. : )

5) "You really shouldn't be eating that right now in your condition." Or, "Maybe that's what you're craving, but are you sure that's what is best for baby?" (Okay, there are definitely some exceptions to this rule, but come on people! Give us a break! It's hard enough to handle food aversions and cravings and manage to get down enough calories during rough portions of our pregnancy! Allow us a little wiggle room to eat more than water and veggies without being nagged in the lunch room. We are trying to do our best. We DO happen to care about the health of our self and our unborn child too)

6) "Don't worry, preggers here is upset because of her fluctuating hormones! Just ignore her." Or, "She probably just messed up because she has pregnancy brain!" (Perfect! During a time when we need the extra emotional support, and don't want to feel alone...we get to feel patronized and ignored! Try not to make pregnant moms feel isolated, misunderstood, or crazy. Even if we do act like 'Pregzillas' at times, we still deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. Give us a little extra patience, if you would be so kind)

7) "Don't sit like that! You'll squish the baby!!" (Yes, someone at work actually said this to me, because I needed one more reason to feel paranoid in my daily life)

8) "You're feeling nauseas?! You should be happy, because that's a good sign."
(Well, forgive ME for NOT delighting in puking. As a side note, do the other pregnant moms or formerly pregnant moms have to rub in the fact that their pregnancies are/were a breeze without any undesirable symptoms to speak of? "So, you didn't have morning sickness, get stretch marks, or have trouble losing the baby weight? Yippee for you, but I kind of can't relate.")

9) "What do you mean you don't have your baby's room ready yet?!"
(I guess finding out yesterday that it was a boy didn't allow us quite enough time to finish. None of us want anyone making us feel like 4 months from our due date is way behind schedule to have everything done. Preparing for a baby is a process full of projects and decisions that take time and consideration. And, it's not like the only thing we have going on is baby preparation...most of us have jobs, etc. Please give first time parents a little extra grace, as it's all new to them, and it can become quite overwhelming)

And, one more about childbirth, for good measure:

10) " Completely natural birth is the only way to go! Any mom who doesn't do it is selfish and weak." (I don't see anything wrong with at least weighing your options. Every mom and every birth are different. There are pros and cons to most options in pregnancy and parenting. If you ask your grandmothers and mothers about how they did things you might be shocked! I think that the best choice is being prepared to be flexible with your choices, if needed. So please, I beg you, don't judge me if I opt for some pain killers)

I probably sound more bitter and angry here than I actually am. Admittedly, I have had my moments of major frustration, but I try to be patient and understanding with people. If you or someone you know has been pregnant before, then you might know that this is a time to expect much incoming advice....some asked for and some volunteered. While I value the wisdom and experience of others, I try to take it all with a grain of salt (forgive the overused cliche), because I have found that many doctors don't even agree.

While, each mother can try to read all of the latest research on everything (most of us probably are), it won't always match up or give clear, concrete answers. Many studies remain relatively inconclusive, as they don't want to do lab testing on pregnant women or infants. In addition, things that my mother was told when myself or my siblings were in the womb have sometimes changed dramatically. My grandmother told me about a time when almost no one she knew was breast feeding. My sister's doctor is fine with many over the counter medicines, and mine is not.

Believe me, people, I enjoy pregnancy. It is very fun and exciting...and also scary and life-changing. Life changing usually means great joy and great sacrifice. So many changes, so many choices, so many challenges. It's amazing how all this can affect the mother and father in different ways.

Some days, I'm ready to face the world and do it all. Other days, I feel a bit defeated, belittled even....like because I'm a new parent, everyone thinks that I must know nothing. I think we all have a desire to feel valued, respected, and considered to be capable. Capable also means being treated like we're able to make wise decisions about how to take care of ourselves and our baby.

And, in closing--as of a week and a half ago--I have felt my baby kick, and so has my husband! It is pretty incredible! There is a life growing inside of me, and He is letting me know that my baby is alive and well!

If you are a pregnant woman, or someone planning to have a baby, I advise you (Oh no! Not more advice! What am I a hypocrite?!) to try and enjoy each moment. I think that one of my biggest mistakes in life is being too anxious for the next stage or the next big thing to arrive. Enjoy it all! You will never have these moments back! Take a picture, write in your journal, and thank God for this time in your life and for it's positives.

Remember God's words to Jeremiah- "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;his love endures forever."
(1 Chronicles 16:34 NIV)

"for gaining wisdom and instruction;
for understanding words of insight....let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance...The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:2, 5, 7 NIV)

Eleven by Eleven

Whitney Lynn Rudolph tagged me in a little blog chain survey (Eleven by Eleven) to get to know other bloggers. I thought it sounded like a fun idea!

Rules:
*You must post the rules.
*Answer the 11 questions that the tagger posted for you;then create 11 questions to ask the people you will tag.
*tag 11 people and link them to your post.
*Let them you know you have tagged them.

My answers to Whitney's questions:

1. What has been your favorite family vacation?

Right now, my family is my husband and I (with a baby on the way)! I think that, although we've taken lots of vacations together in 4 years of marriage, my favorite one to date was our honeymoon. We stayed at a Disney resort in Vero Beach, went jet-skiing, got massages, ate a lot if great meals, went to a concert, and just relaxed by the beach and the pool...just the two of us! We always find ourselves saying, "Can we go on another honeymoon?"

2. What do you like to do on a rainy day?

Stay inside, read, watch movies, order pizza (sorry pizza delivery dude!), spend time with my husband.

3. Did you participate in Senior Skip Day in high school? What did you do?

Actually, I don't remember having one of those. I did however spend 10 days in Europe on my Senior trip "skipping" around Buckingham Palace, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and the Swiss Alps. I'd say it beat any Senior Skip Day. : )

4. Have you ever snuck food into the movie theater? What?

All the time! Candy, drinks, anything.

5. Disney World or Universal Studios?

This is a tough one, because I love Harry Potter SO much! However, overall, I have to say Disney World!

6. What is your funniest memory that I am part of?

Right now, all I can think of are the times that your 2-year-old son yelled out, "Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!" in public places (I know you're happy that I shared that with everyone : ) )

7. What is your go to snack?

Probably crackers and cheese.

8. What did you want to be when you were a little kid?

As a kid, I loved 3 things: singing, reading, and horses (all animals really). So, I think it would have to be something in that genre...maybe someone who sings and writes songs about horses? Lol

9. What was your first date with your husband? If you don’t have a husband, tell me your best date so far?

I will never forget the first time my husband asked me out. We were in line at a Quiznos for lunch with friends, and he said to me..."I think I owe you a steak." I still have no idea what that meant, but we went to Outback Steakhouse the following weekend. It was right after I drove 3 hours from spending Thanksgiving with my family. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He met me in the parking lot, and wouldn't let me go change. He said I looked great like I was. I was nervous, but we had a great time! We still love eating there!

10. What was your last big purchase? (over $100)

Plane tickets to visit my sister and her family in Nebraska next month!! I can't wait to hold my newest nephew for the first time!

11. What is your favorite soundtrack?

2 come to mind: "A Walk to Remember (I really just love Switchfoot)," and "Elizabethtown," it's really emotionally driven...a lot of songs about going through hard times and dealing with loss, but somehow it makes me feel good.

Here are my questions:

1) What is your favorite tv show of all time?

2) If you had to choose: N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On The Block, or Hanson?

3) If you could live anywhere in the World, where would you choose?

4) What book or book series could you read over and over again?

5) Cat, dog, or other? And, why?

6) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

7) What is your favorite musical?

8) What is your favorite Bible story or book of the Bible?

9) What food would you eat everyday if you could?

10) What is your favorite place to go or thing to do on a day off?

11) What is a talent or skill that you wish you had or that you could improve about yourself?

And I am tagging:

Go to my blog and comment back with your answers if you don't have a blog. And if you read this and want to fill it out too, go for it!

Josh @ www.JoshWrightMusic.com
Crystal @ http://sisterhutch.blogspot.com
Jessica@ http://jessicalaynejourneyoffaith.tumblr.com/
Brittany@ http://healthyteam1.wordpress.com/
Melissa@ Herendeen, here.
Shawn@ www.shawngrant.com
Mallory@ http://mallorymkirk.blogspot.com
Melissa@ Randomness and Ruminations
Jillian@ http://thatgirl31.blogspot.com
Jason@ SAVAGE HEARTBURN
Eric@ Witness and Declare


And here are the answers to my questions:

1) What is your favorite tv show of all time? Boy Meets World...I love a show that's awesome as a kid and as an adult...not easy to find.

2) If you had to choose: N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On The Block, or Hanson? Hanson- I have more respect for a boy band that actually plays instruments.

3) If you could live anywhere in the World, where would you choose? Somewhere in Europe....beautiful buildings, great museums, beautiful scenery, historical significance and modern convenience...also, many people speak English, which helps. I would miss my family though.

4) What book or book series could you read over and over again? The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

5) Cat, dog, or other? And, why? I love all animals...but I think cats are really a lot more low maintenance. They bathe themselves, they're fairly independent, they're playful, and they're soft and cuddly.

6) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? The ability to read minds.

7) What is your favorite musical? This is tough for me, but I think it's "Les Miserables." It has a moving story, great characters, and great songs.

8) What is your favorite Bible story or book of the Bible? Phillipians

9) What food would you eat everyday if you could? Cheesecake...definitely.

10) What is your favorite place to go or thing to do on a day off? Disney World...or just home reading a good book with my husband.

11) What is a talent or skill that you wish you had or that you could improve about yourself? The ability to learn an instrument quicker and easier.

Thanks!

"Easter Lilies and Happy-Sad Days"

Easter. A holiday that always seems to bring both sorrow and joy. The old hymn says, "Did ever such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?" This year, the theme of our Good Friday service at church was called "Unresolved". I've realized that I find this concept to be very fitting. Throughout my life, I remember leaving Good Friday services feeling very strange. I sang some lovely songs, I remembered what Jesus did for me, but ultimately I left with a feeling of brokenness...a happy-sad kind of feeling.

This year, my husband and I purchased an Easter Lily to dedicate to the baby that we lost. I haven't been through a lot of loss in my life. Whenever there has been an opportunity to buy something "In memory of a loved one," I haven't really had any one in mind. I lost three of my grandparents, and one great-grandparent when I was very young, but I either never met them or barely knew them...therefore the concept of doing something "In Memory of" didn't ring very true for me.

On Wednesday of this past week, Josh and I went to the doctor's office for our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. The morning before the appointment, I was very emotional. We hadn't been to the doctor in about a month, and the time that we waited felt like an eternity. It was difficult to believe that the day had finally come, when we might see our baby for the first time. I was very excited, but very scared all at once...so many emotions crammed into my body that I thought I might explode. On that day, I found myself in tears for no reason at all, except that I was overwhelmed.

When we arrived, we were given a nurse that I had never had before...she was very new to the doctor's office. When we came in for her to run some tests, she asked if this was our first visit. I never know how to respond properly to those kind of questions, and so I often end up either lying or guilt-tripping an innocent person. This time it was the latter.

I tried to briefly share that this was our second pregnancy. She sat me down to take my blood pressure, and began to ask me about my first child.....Was it a boy or a girl? Etc. I had to break the news that we had a miscarriage. BAM! Guilt-tripped! The same thing that I had done to an unsuspecting co-worker who asked me if I was pregnant, because she noticed I'd put on some weight.

The poor nurse didn't know what to do. She just became very quiet, and later said, "Sorry, I'm new here." My husband and I both were in a strange place that day. Our emotions were running very high. I guess at the time I wasn't too keen on making polite conversation with her. Things were awkwardly silent after that, but I didn't really care because I preferred to sit and think.

Finally, they brought us in to see the doctor! I think she predicted our anxious state, because she didn't want to waste any time. Without so much as a "Hello, how are you," she was doing the ultrasound. The seconds that passed before we saw anything on the screen felt like hours, but the relief that followed was great. The first words from the doctor's mouth were, "Wow! That's a big baby!" That and the sound of the heartbeat that followed were the greatest music to an anxious mother's ears.

I think that even after it was over, we both felt very unusual. I can only speak for myself when I say that I had become a bit numb. I wanted to be crying tears of joy, but I think I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst and in doing so turned myself in to a bit of an emotionless wreck. Sure, I had emotions, but I found it tough to let go so that they would just wash over me and consume me.

I finally finished reading The Hunger Games series this week. Sometimes when I know something is about to be over for good, I think I try to slow the process down to make it last a little longer. I really didn't want it to be over. I wanted more. In reading it, I became very emotional as I often do at the end of books or movies. Women, I've heard, have a greater tendency to put themselves into the characters shoes, so that they really feel what the character is feeling. This time, I felt it on a whole new level.

I don't think I'm giving away any major plot by quoting this, so don't worry if you haven't read it. Towards the end, the main character, Katniss Everdeen says the following: "I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do." This thought really struck a chord with me.

It's awful really, the inability to take joy from life for fear of loss. I definitely don't think that it's God's intent for us. God knew that we would struggle with our brokenness, that we would feel great pain. Jesus himself felt that pain. Both the reality of loss, and the fear of loss. I don't believe, however, that God meant for any of us to remain broken. This is one of the reasons that He is constantly calling us back to His side.

How can we overcome our brokenness and our loss? Well, for starters, by reminding ourselves of all the blessings that God has put in our lives, of all the goodness that He has done for us and through us, of all the people who we care for and who care for us. After all, Good Friday was followed by Resurrection Sunday. The resolution did come. He rose again, and with that resurrection gave us all a chance for new life.

It's wonderful to share the excitement of a new baby with everyone in our lives! It's so great to post photos of the tiny child growing rapidly inside of me. Lovely to think about the future that we will have as parents, and to try to think through the details of it all. However, there are still days, "Happy-Sad Days," where all I want to do is grieve the baby that we lost. Sometimes I think about what our life would be like if I were still going to have that baby in my arms next month. If I were to be celebrating this Mother's Day with a new baby in my house.

I haven't seen the Easter Lily that we bought. I don't expect I will, and I'm not sure I want to. Josh and I both forgot to bring it home for some reason, and I expect it has gone to the home of an elderly shut in or someone in a nursing home. That's really a better place for it. Like the child it represents, I don't believe that it was ever meant to stay with us for long.

"O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name."

It has been "Resolved." "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners," (1 Tim 1:15), and His purpose has been fulfilled. "It is finished."

Happy Easter.

The Truth and Then Some: My Emotional and Spiritual Journey Through Miscarriage

I've been wanting to write for awhile now, but with me it's all about finding the right timing and being inspired. My husband says that I just haven't had insomnia for awhile....and thank God for that! However, this morning (after telling my husband last night how excited I was to sleep in today) I woke up at 8:00 a.m. and soon realized that I had no chance of falling back asleep. So, therefore, blogging was imminent.

Some people know a little about what my husband and I have been through these last few months, but many do not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, again, in early February we have been preparing how and when we would share this news with family and friends. That's right, I said "pregnant, again". About a week ago, Josh announced to our church that we had a miscarriage back in October (And, that we are expecting again...in October). I can say without hesitation that this has been the most difficult time of my life to date.

Perhaps because it was our first pregnancy, my initial reaction was to hold it all inside. I was unsure even about calling our parents. I never imagined that the first time I told my family about a pregnancy it would be bad news. Neither my husband nor I will ever forget our first appointment with the doctor. I was 8 weeks pregnant, preparing for my first ever ultrasound, the doctor's exact words to me were, "And now, the fun part!" But....what was to follow was not fun at all. We watched and waited for the signs of life inside of me, expecting her to find a heartbeat...and then the doctor got very quiet.

Josh reached for my hand and I looked at him knowing that something must be wrong. She told us that either our dates were off, or the baby might have stopped growing around 6 weeks. She said that it was too early for her to know what was wrong, and that I should take it easy the next few days and see what happens. It was a Wednesday afternoon that I will always remember, we sat in the car in a McDonald's parking lot and I cried. We decided to wait before we told anyone, put on a happy face, and go to youth group.

Sure enough, the next day at work I started spotting. I called Josh, afraid of what might be happening. I came home early, and that night we called our parents to ask for prayer. We attempted (to the best of our abilities) to make it a happy call. We started with the news that I was pregnant, and then told them about the doctor's concerns and the spotting. They were excited, hopeful, but scared just like us. The next few days I stayed home from fear of making things worse and fear of interacting with people.

On Sunday morning, I decided to sing on the praise team, and Sunday night we went to our small group. I didn't even make it to the end. I told Josh that we needed to go home, and there in the bathroom by myself I knew I had lost the baby. I nearly fainted from the pain and the shock. I can't remember anything I've gone through that was more physically or emotionally traumatic. The next few days just got worse. I'll spare you the disgusting details if you haven't experienced it yourself, but what happens after a miscarriage is unnatural and horrifying.

I know that my pregnancy was not very far along, still early in the first trimester. I know that there are many who have their own war stories that they will want to compare with mine. I have been tempted in the past to say things like, "Well, at least we weren't further along, " "At least the baby didn't have a name yet," "At least we hadn't told all of our friends and family." After reading through a devotional book with Josh called, "Grieving the child you never knew," I discovered that I don't have to justify my pain or compare myself to other grieving mothers. Every loss is unique and different, and still completely justified.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, and it was never my hope to be able to relate to others in this way, but I am able to see the good in that. I have a bit more understanding for what my mother went through in having two miscarriages (and even having to give birth to a still born, a beautiful baby girl who had already been named). I can relate a little better to our married friends that tried for years to conceive, then lost two babies before they gave birth to a healthy one, and lost two more since then. I can somewhat understand the pain of our friends that were told their child might die in the womb, and if not wouldn't live very long. I remember the pictures of them holding and loving their child, but only getting to have him in their lives a short time, because he never got to leave the hospital.

How are we coping you ask? Well, I have cried...a lot. Josh doesn't cry...ever...,but he has written a beautiful song for our baby that he claims he will never play live again. I've only heard it through a recording on his cell phone the day it was written. I think it's the best song he has ever written. The devotional book has helped a lot in the grieving process. And, we have opened up to others more recently. We told some mentors, close friends and family in our lives first. We told our small groups at the Passion Conference (a group of 7 strangers we would likely never see again). We told our small group at church, the church staff, and the elders....and then the whole church.

Please don't be offended if I/we haven't told you personally. I just hate talking about it more than anything. I know that it's good for me, that some people can relate or at least sympathize, but....I don't like crying in front of everyone I know. I don't like that feeling of vulnerability. And most of all, I don't like to go through all of the pain again. Sure, even as I write this blog I am crying, but I know I need to get this out. I need to tell my story, even if no one ever reads it.

And now, we are expecting another baby. We are absolutely terrified....not just because being parents will completely change our lives, but because there's still a chance we could lose this child before we get to meet it. I am almost 12 weeks....a little early to tell the world, we know, but the timing was right for us. We haven't even had our first ultrasound yet, which has definitely amplified the fear. I'm not sure if either of us is looking forward to going into that doctor's office, because we remember what happened the last time.

I'm so afraid of the doctor telling me that the baby hasn't grown or that she can't find a heartbeat, but I am trusting God. I prayed the other day that I would trust God and give him praise no matter what happens. So, if this baby goes straight to heaven just like it's brother or sister...I will be okay. I will grieve, again, but I will know that God is still there looking out for me. I will know that he still cares, and like the song says, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."

**Update- Our son is now 4 years old & has an almost 2 year old brother. Josh has played his song live before & posted it for free on Noise Trade for anyone who thinks they may find comfort in it. No donation is required. http://www.noisetrade.com/joshwright

Something to Blog About- What Gives Your Life Significance?

I haven't blogged in almost a year. It's been a long, crazy year. Today marks a little over a week, since my friends (from my small group) and I returned from the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I thought I might blog as soon as we got home, but I didn't really feel like it until tonight.....and what is different about tonight?....Insomnia of course. My husband has been passed out for awhile now from a combination of sickness and cold medicine, but my mind won't stop racing. One thing has been on my mind on and off since we left Atlanta, the question, "What Gives Your Life Significance?"

When I was younger, I'm pretty sure that I thought my life would matter if I had straight A's on my report card every term, if I had some kind of special talent or skill, if I had more friends than anyone else, or perhaps.....if I had a boyfriend....of course, not just any boyfriend. : ) As I grew older, I didn't just think that I needed MORE friends, just the RIGHT friends. I needed the RIGHT part in the school play. I needed the RIGHT prom dress. I needed to go to the RIGHT college. And, after all of that, I needed to find the RIGHT job.

As my friends and acquaintances started to get engaged, I began feeling that I was insignificant if I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding or asked to be in their wedding, or if someone chose not to attend my wedding. I was majorly frustrated and depressed by my inability to find a job quickly, and (in particular) to find the RIGHT job. I couldn't believe then, and still can't believe now how difficult it was for me to find a job.

I left my last job primarily so that I could help my husband more with his ministry. I started off with every intention of doing that. After being unemployed for several months, and even after finding work, I felt quite unsatisfied. I found out that working in a non-Christian environment for the first time in several years, getting home from work after midnight, and not making much money can really wear you down if you're not careful. I learned that it's hard to pour your self into ministry when you're feeling unhappy with your life...when you lack confidence in yourself, because you don't feel that your life has much significance.

A week ago, at Passion Conference, we were challenged in a way that I hadn't been in a long time. We were given a multitude of thought provoking ideas to pray over. We were pulled out of our comfort zone and put into small groups with 7 people we didn't know, from all over the country or even the world. We were asked to discuss and share with these people, and to open up about our spiritual lives. I found myself able to talk with those people about things that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends. I believe that God led me to grow emotionally and spiritually in those times, and to be very open and honest.

I found myself becoming deeply moved by all of the main sessions and even tearing up during most of the lesson times. I was reminded of many basic truths about Christianity. It's amazing how remembering who you are, why you are on this earth, and what gives your life significance can change your outlook. Taking almost a year off from blogging, I forgot what I had named by blog. Even now, I can't fully recall why I named by blog "Made Alive in Christ," but I do know what that phrase means to me.

From the first session of Passion on, what stuck in mind most was that I have been "Made Alive in Christ!" "We have been transformed!" It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me!" My life has significance and purpose if I use it for His glory, and it is only then that I feel truly alive. "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us; and if our God is with us, then what could stand against." One of the speakers, Christine Caine ( http://www.thea21campaign.org/ ), said to us, "The light shines brightest in the darkness." That quote really struck a chord with me, because I have had a desire to work full-time for a church or Christian organization, so that my life may have "significance." I was then reminded that my life can be used anywhere that I shine my light amongst men.

A friend of mine recently shared with me that she used to be unable to sleep at night, because she was afraid that she would die before she did something great for God. I think that this might be my problem as well. I spent a lot of time being angry at God, without even realizing it, when things in my life didn't go as I thought they should. I know now that I have simply been on a "search for significance," and I've been looking in all of the wrong places.

Thank you, God, for everything you have done and all that you will do.

-More later