Job Hunting- It's Dangerous!

It's official, I only blog whenever I have insomnia.....

So.....I recently quit my job, by recently I mean almost 5 months ago, but my last official day was about a month ago.

Since then I have had an interesting journey into what it means to be a "Real" Adult and apply for jobs. I have had a few interviews at this point, and none of them have been fruitful. It's pretty frustrating and stressful to put a lot of time into something and not have it pan out (side note- where does the expression "pan out" come from....panning for gold?!). I realize now that this is a normal problem to have at my age and in my situation. I went into college thinking not so much about my future and what kind of job I might like to have, but more about the overall experience and what I might like to study. I'm not going to say that I regret my decisions, but I do realize now (in retrospect) that there may have been other decisions that would make job hunting a bit easier.

Being an education major, for example, you're going in to get a teaching degree and you're leaving with the ability to find and get a teaching job. I almost chose teaching. I'm good with kids, my mom was teacher, my sister was almost a teacher and I would almost certainly be good at it too. However, when it came time to declare our majors, counseling seemed more interesting to me. I had a general psychology class during my senior year of high school and the teacher was very cool and funny, so OF COURSE I should be a counseling major.....excellent reasoning.

It turns out that I'm not entirely sure if there are any jobs in the counseling field that are really that appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that I myself am scared of the idea of going through counseling. I don't see it as something weird to do. I know that it's misguided to think that only crazy people go through therapy, and I know that I've been through plenty of things that are sure to mess me up in the head and make it a good idea for me to talk to a counselor....but, I just don't want to. I guess it's just fear. I think that a lot of that fear comes from a lack of trust.

Now, call me crazy (HA), but I somehow find it difficult to trust even a counselor who is required to keep what I tell her private. I don't think I really trust much of anyone. There have been a few select friends in my life who I have been able to open up to on a deeper level and tell things that I wouldn't tell most people, but I still haven't told them everything. I haven't really opened up about all my deepest hurt, pain, regret, shame, insecurities, and fears. On the contrary, I keep most people at arms length or more....on a sort of shallow level. I keep some people a little closer than arms length, and that is about it.

Let me admit, I'm a bit creeped out by hugs. I like getting them, but I hesitate to give them....especially to men.....I don't know why. I realized recently that I'm scared of the words "I love you," unless it's to my husband or a family member. I think this is just my paranoia or insecurity. I'm scared to tell someone that I love them unless I've heard them say it and I've said it back at least a hundred times, I think. At the point, I guess in my mind I finally believe that they really mean it, and it's not just something that they are saying in the moment or out of obligation. And, I am generally paranoid as to how much anyone really likes me.

I feel a little like a hypocrite, because I think that one of the sins that I struggle with the most, and yet also struggle the most to admit to, is gossip. I am so paranoid that other people don't really like me and that they are going to talk bad about me behind my back, and then I go and gossip all the time. I guess you could call it a case of the old cliche that "putting down other people makes us feel better about ourselves." I also think that maybe I tend to be a bit to open and honest in front of some of my friends. I then worry that the friends I'm comfortable gossiping in front of will become paranoid that I'm gossiping about them too, and then my whole life will be ruined because I will have no friends.

I use every tiny little situation where someone talks behind my back or says something negative about me as validation that they all hate me and talk bad about me all the time and that they would really rather not have me around at all. I blow everything out of proportion and worry far too much about the little things. My mother would say that I "Sweat the Small Stuff" and Kevin James would back me up on it.

All of this randomness is like a tour of my brain if you ask my husband. I change from one topic to the next like an endless circle connecting each subject my a tiny thread until I finally come full circle back to the start (usually after saying, "Now, what was I talking about," or "How did we start talking about this again). What I wanted to say is that job hunting stinks. I hate it. It seems exciting in the beginning.....like shopping for new clothes, finding a house, choosing a hotel, buying a new car.....but, like all of these things, in the end it comes down to a decision. The decision that you make be a big one or a small one, but for an indecisive person like myself every decision is painful.

It's like choosing a path, and it's okay if you pick one that takes you somewhere you don't wanna be. Getting started is what I see as the hard part. The first decision is to search for a job opportunity. Once you find one, then you decide whether or not you should apply. Once you have applied, then you have to decide how long you should wait before you try to follow up with the organization (or if you're like me you'll become depressed after a week of no word and assume that they don't want you). In the beginning I was very naive. I thought that every job interview would end with a definite offer and the ball was always in my court, but as it turns out, I've already faced plenty of rejection. Some people reject you before they have a chance to even meet with you. I've never felt so rejected in my life.

I guess what's strange is the part of me that is still keeping my head up and believing that I deserve a job that I will enjoy, and that will give extra meaning to my life. Ironically, I'm not looking for a job to add meaning to my life. I haven't worked in a month and I enjoy my life without work. I still volunteer at church 3 or 4 days a week and I am plenty busy just helping my husband with his job at church. I am looking for a a job to add extra money to my life, because right now we are living on a pretty tight budget.

We've come up with a workable plan. We can easily pay our bills with one income, but what we can't do is pay off our car more quickly than they would like us too, pay off my student loans before I die, and start actually saving money for when we decide to buy another car, or a house, or have kids. These things are all pretty important to me, and I really need to have a job in order to do that. I've thought about "making our (marriage) relationship into my job and staying home and wearing stretchy pants and watching t.v. all day," but I just don't think it's gonna work out.

I'm praying for the Peace that passes understanding to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. I know that it can, because it always does, but sometimes waiting is the hardest part of the equation. I like to be in control of my life, to know what's going to happen next....to have a plan. But, as it turns out, I don't really know what tomorrow brings, and I've heard that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Worry is a major sickness, and I have to be careful or it will takeover my whole body...it will start with my brain, work it's way to my heart, and then that will be it. "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication submit your requests to God......"

I'm trying, Lord. : )