"Cats, Puppies, and Friends"

Dear Bloggers and Blog Readers,



About a year and a half ago, I became very interested in the idea of getting a puppy. I was "Online Puppy Shopping", researching types of dogs, thinking about moving to a house with a fenced-in backyard, etc., etc. Since then, I have moved to a house with a fenced-in backyard, and (ironically) brought my cat from my parents' house to live with us instead. I would still like to have a dog someday, but our cat is a little crazy, and I feel strongly that she could seriously injure most dogs. My friend Jessica loves to bring home stray dogs that she finds. I think it's pretty awesome, and I'm a little jealous. I love how dogs ADORE their owners and follow them around everywhere. My cat, Dottie, sort of does this too.

Last night, for example, she woke me up every couple of hours meowing and scratching at things in order to wake me up. I have no idea what is wrong with her. She sort of reminds me of a crying baby or a mischievous toddler who acts out for attention. My husband, unfortunately, does not take kindly to this. Although, he does say that her "One redeeming quality" is that she is the "Single Softest Living Thing on the Planet." It is because of this that every night before bed he lets her cuddle with him and sleep on top of him for awhile. She is a mess. She hisses at most of our friends out of fear, and once she actually scratched one of our friends in the face for getting too close. Her real problem (I have deciphered after many psychology classes) is that when it comes to the "Fight or Flight" conundrum, she has no "Flight reflex," she is a fighter.

Sometimes I think that Dottie and I have similar issues when it comes to making friends. We really do like people, but sometimes we have trouble letting people in. We are afraid of people because we don't trust them yet, and we need to get to know them better. I sometimes think that I am a terrible friend, but I don't know why. I know that I have trouble letting people in, and that I am probably more judgmental and impatient than I should be.

I've realized that when I thought that I really needed a dog, what I really needed was friends. This probably sounds pretty sad and pathetic, but 2 years ago Josh and I moved to Melbourne. For the first time in over 4 years, we were moving to a new place....away from the college we went to, away from all of our college friends, and trying to start new. It was really difficult for awhile. Even though we had our work friends and we had people in our congregation that were very friendly....it just wasn't the same.

Then, about a year ago, I started to develop some more REAL friendships. Our preacher's daughter and son-in-law moved locally, and we started getting to know them better. Me and a couple of girls in my office became closer. I was even asked to be in someone's wedding. A girl who I knew in college, but never was very close to, moved back and starting working with me. I knew right away that we would hit it off. Then, a guy from South Carolina moved down and started coming to our church. It's amazing how God puts the puzzle pieces together in your life. He really always knows exactly what we need, but sometimes it doesn't happen as quickly as we would like.

I wouldn't trade this last year for anything, despite the bad times, the commuting, and the stress. God knew exactly what I needed, and I feel like I'm in a really great place right now.

John 1: 43-46, "The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, "Follow Me." Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote--Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph." "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked. "COME and SEE," said Philip.

I just can't sleep tonight....

I've always thought that the best time to start a blog is probably around 5:30 in the morning, because you just can't seem to fall back asleep. When Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and the book your currently attempting to read just aren't doing the trick. Maybe there's something on my mind that I just need to unload. Strangely, I didn't wake from a disturbing weird dream this time. At least twice this year, I have had terrifying dreams of my husband dying. The more recent time, I can recall that he "died" of an accidental pill overdose (so gangsta) and somehow by swallowing a hairbrush....of all things?!

I have been thinking about blogging for some time now, and I guess my excuse for not doing it has sort of been that "I didn't have the time." I'm now finding it odd that I named this blog "Made Alive in Christ," when I now realize that I seem to be plagued by the fear of death. I'm wondering if this fear is having something to do with my friend, whom I love dearly, having a seizure for the first time ever just last night.

Fear of death is a funny thing....my mom has been in and out of the hospital a lot in the last 2 and a 1/2 years, and though death has crossed my mind I haven't found that to be the hardest part. Well, since you asked, the hardest part for me was watching her struggle. Realizing that my mom was going to make it, but that she would never ever be the same. For the rest of her life, she would have to carry with her the symptoms caused by a massive brain aneurysm and a stroke.

Sitting here on my back porch watching the sunrise and listening to (what I think is) locusts while my cat searches for lizards, and I'm crying! Crying?! Why am I crying now?! I'll blame it on being tired, because that makes the most sense, but for some reason whenever I wake up with insomnia in the middle of the night, I always end of crying. Maybe (breaking out the counseling training) there are some pent up issues that I just haven't dealt with, or maybe God is trying to tell me something. Maybe both.

I really don't know how long these blogs are intended to be (other than my high school/early college experience with "LiveJournal"), but I find myself wanting to keep typing so I guess I will. It's weird how you end up not caring if anyone ever reads what you write, but the point (I guess) is that you are able to write it. To "Say it" to whoever may be inclined to listen.

As a side note, I am impressed by how good my WiFi works on the back porch. Maybe I'll come out here more whenever it's no longer 90 degrees outside. I read through two chapters of "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller today. I just finished chapter 12 in an attempt to make myself sleepy. Hats off to you, Don, because I always feel pretty engaged reading your book. I normally have a chronic inability to finish any book, but this one I keep coming back too. I do realize that I'm about 5 or 6 years behind the trends in reading it, but try not to judge me if you can help it.

Something about what Donald has to say just speaks to my heart. I have a friend at work that is quoted as having said, "I think you'll be surprised at how your heart responds to this...," she wasn't talking about this book, but I feel a little like I know what she means. Sometimes I go into books, movies, c.d.s, sermons, etc. not really knowing how I will "Feel" about them. I think that I may have had an aversion to Donald Miller's book simply because of how trendy it was amongst my friends a few years back. What is it about my twenty-something, postmodern, hippie, former "scene kid" self that wants to adamantly be opposed to liking what is popular. Like somehow we think that it makes us "Cooler" to be a part of a movement that isn't "popular" or well-known to the average person. Don't we realize that by definition if something is a "movement" or a "style" it probably has a reasonable following. We become so set on being part of the "unique club" that maybe we forget how important it is to be able to relate and share something with other humans.

A bit off topic again....I'm starting to think that maybe it's an entirely different thing to survey "How you Feel" about something versus "What you Think" about something. Sometimes I find a movie that I think has way too much profanity, unnecessary nudity, and a complete disregard for morality; however, if someone asked me how I "Felt" when watching "Said Movie" I might say that I was really moved by it. I'm not trying to condone the immorality displayed in most movies today, but I guess what I'm getting at is that you can find some good in just about anything. I mean, when it comes down to it, we were all manufactured by the same Creator and He "breathed" into us the same "life blood". We were all created to be like Him. We were all made in the image of God. Even those who haven't decided that they want anything to do with God display evidence that He exists.

He exists. This is the one thing that is truly able to make me feel ALIVE. The one thing that makes me able to drag myself out of bed in the morning, when in all honesty I would much rather sleep. There's a creative Creator who desires for me to be a part of His story. He wants me to spend more time with Him, so that I can be more like Him, so that I can live out His story instead of the one I keep trying to write. I guess that's where this blog is going to end..."Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

Well...off to work I go!