I haven't blogged in almost a year. It's been a long, crazy year. Today marks a little over a week, since my friends (from my small group) and I returned from the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I thought I might blog as soon as we got home, but I didn't really feel like it until tonight.....and what is different about tonight?....Insomnia of course. My husband has been passed out for awhile now from a combination of sickness and cold medicine, but my mind won't stop racing. One thing has been on my mind on and off since we left Atlanta, the question, "What Gives Your Life Significance?"
When I was younger, I'm pretty sure that I thought my life would matter if I had straight A's on my report card every term, if I had some kind of special talent or skill, if I had more friends than anyone else, or perhaps.....if I had a boyfriend....of course, not just any boyfriend. : ) As I grew older, I didn't just think that I needed MORE friends, just the RIGHT friends. I needed the RIGHT part in the school play. I needed the RIGHT prom dress. I needed to go to the RIGHT college. And, after all of that, I needed to find the RIGHT job.
As my friends and acquaintances started to get engaged, I began feeling that I was insignificant if I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding or asked to be in their wedding, or if someone chose not to attend my wedding. I was majorly frustrated and depressed by my inability to find a job quickly, and (in particular) to find the RIGHT job. I couldn't believe then, and still can't believe now how difficult it was for me to find a job.
I left my last job primarily so that I could help my husband more with his ministry. I started off with every intention of doing that. After being unemployed for several months, and even after finding work, I felt quite unsatisfied. I found out that working in a non-Christian environment for the first time in several years, getting home from work after midnight, and not making much money can really wear you down if you're not careful. I learned that it's hard to pour your self into ministry when you're feeling unhappy with your life...when you lack confidence in yourself, because you don't feel that your life has much significance.
A week ago, at Passion Conference, we were challenged in a way that I hadn't been in a long time. We were given a multitude of thought provoking ideas to pray over. We were pulled out of our comfort zone and put into small groups with 7 people we didn't know, from all over the country or even the world. We were asked to discuss and share with these people, and to open up about our spiritual lives. I found myself able to talk with those people about things that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends. I believe that God led me to grow emotionally and spiritually in those times, and to be very open and honest.
I found myself becoming deeply moved by all of the main sessions and even tearing up during most of the lesson times. I was reminded of many basic truths about Christianity. It's amazing how remembering who you are, why you are on this earth, and what gives your life significance can change your outlook. Taking almost a year off from blogging, I forgot what I had named by blog. Even now, I can't fully recall why I named by blog "Made Alive in Christ," but I do know what that phrase means to me.
From the first session of Passion on, what stuck in mind most was that I have been "Made Alive in Christ!" "We have been transformed!" It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me!" My life has significance and purpose if I use it for His glory, and it is only then that I feel truly alive. "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us; and if our God is with us, then what could stand against." One of the speakers, Christine Caine ( http://www.thea21campaign.org/ ), said to us, "The light shines brightest in the darkness." That quote really struck a chord with me, because I have had a desire to work full-time for a church or Christian organization, so that my life may have "significance." I was then reminded that my life can be used anywhere that I shine my light amongst men.
A friend of mine recently shared with me that she used to be unable to sleep at night, because she was afraid that she would die before she did something great for God. I think that this might be my problem as well. I spent a lot of time being angry at God, without even realizing it, when things in my life didn't go as I thought they should. I know now that I have simply been on a "search for significance," and I've been looking in all of the wrong places.
Thank you, God, for everything you have done and all that you will do.
-More later
