Friday, April 20, 2012
Eleven by Eleven
Whitney Lynn Rudolph tagged me in a little blog chain survey (Eleven by Eleven) to get to know other bloggers. I thought it sounded like a fun idea!
Rules:
*You must post the rules.
*Answer the 11 questions that the tagger posted for you;then create 11 questions to ask the people you will tag.
*tag 11 people and link them to your post.
*Let them you know you have tagged them.
My answers to Whitney's questions:
1. What has been your favorite family vacation?
Right now, my family is my husband and I (with a baby on the way)! I think that, although we've taken lots of vacations together in 4 years of marriage, my favorite one to date was our honeymoon. We stayed at a Disney resort in Vero Beach, went jet-skiing, got massages, ate a lot if great meals, went to a concert, and just relaxed by the beach and the pool...just the two of us! We always find ourselves saying, "Can we go on another honeymoon?"
2. What do you like to do on a rainy day?
Stay inside, read, watch movies, order pizza (sorry pizza delivery dude!), spend time with my husband.
3. Did you participate in Senior Skip Day in high school? What did you do?
Actually, I don't remember having one of those. I did however spend 10 days in Europe on my Senior trip "skipping" around Buckingham Palace, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and the Swiss Alps. I'd say it beat any Senior Skip Day. : )
4. Have you ever snuck food into the movie theater? What?
All the time! Candy, drinks, anything.
5. Disney World or Universal Studios?
This is a tough one, because I love Harry Potter SO much! However, overall, I have to say Disney World!
6. What is your funniest memory that I am part of?
Right now, all I can think of are the times that your 2-year-old son yelled out, "Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!" in public places (I know you're happy that I shared that with everyone : ) )
7. What is your go to snack?
Probably crackers and cheese.
8. What did you want to be when you were a little kid?
As a kid, I loved 3 things: singing, reading, and horses (all animals really). So, I think it would have to be something in that genre...maybe someone who sings and writes songs about horses? Lol
9. What was your first date with your husband? If you don’t have a husband, tell me your best date so far?
I will never forget the first time my husband asked me out. We were in line at a Quiznos for lunch with friends, and he said to me..."I think I owe you a steak." I still have no idea what that meant, but we went to Outback Steakhouse the following weekend. It was right after I drove 3 hours from spending Thanksgiving with my family. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He met me in the parking lot, and wouldn't let me go change. He said I looked great like I was. I was nervous, but we had a great time! We still love eating there!
10. What was your last big purchase? (over $100)
Plane tickets to visit my sister and her family in Nebraska next month!! I can't wait to hold my newest nephew for the first time!
11. What is your favorite soundtrack?
2 come to mind: "A Walk to Remember (I really just love Switchfoot)," and "Elizabethtown," it's really emotionally driven...a lot of songs about going through hard times and dealing with loss, but somehow it makes me feel good.
Here are my questions:
1) What is your favorite tv show of all time?
2) If you had to choose: N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On The Block, or Hanson?
3) If you could live anywhere in the World, where would you choose?
4) What book or book series could you read over and over again?
5) Cat, dog, or other? And, why?
6) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
7) What is your favorite musical?
8) What is your favorite Bible story or book of the Bible?
9) What food would you eat everyday if you could?
10) What is your favorite place to go or thing to do on a day off?
11) What is a talent or skill that you wish you had or that you could improve about yourself?
And I am tagging:
Go to my blog and comment back with your answers if you don't have a blog. And if you read this and want to fill it out too, go for it!
Josh @ www.JoshWrightMusic.com
Crystal @ http://sisterhutch.blogspot.com
Jessica@ http://jessicalaynejourneyoffaith.tumblr.com/
Brittany@ http://healthyteam1.wordpress.com/
Melissa@ Herendeen, here.
Shawn@ www.shawngrant.com
Mallory@ http://mallorymkirk.blogspot.com
Melissa@ Randomness and Ruminations
Jillian@ http://thatgirl31.blogspot.com
Jason@ SAVAGE HEARTBURN
Eric@ Witness and Declare
And here are the answers to my questions:
1) What is your favorite tv show of all time? Boy Meets World...I love a show that's awesome as a kid and as an adult...not easy to find.
2) If you had to choose: N*SYNC, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On The Block, or Hanson? Hanson- I have more respect for a boy band that actually plays instruments.
3) If you could live anywhere in the World, where would you choose? Somewhere in Europe....beautiful buildings, great museums, beautiful scenery, historical significance and modern convenience...also, many people speak English, which helps. I would miss my family though.
4) What book or book series could you read over and over again? The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
5) Cat, dog, or other? And, why? I love all animals...but I think cats are really a lot more low maintenance. They bathe themselves, they're fairly independent, they're playful, and they're soft and cuddly.
6) If you could have any superpower, what would it be? The ability to read minds.
7) What is your favorite musical? This is tough for me, but I think it's "Les Miserables." It has a moving story, great characters, and great songs.
8) What is your favorite Bible story or book of the Bible? Phillipians
9) What food would you eat everyday if you could? Cheesecake...definitely.
10) What is your favorite place to go or thing to do on a day off? Disney World...or just home reading a good book with my husband.
11) What is a talent or skill that you wish you had or that you could improve about yourself? The ability to learn an instrument quicker and easier.
Thanks!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
"Easter Lilies and Happy-Sad Days"
Easter. A holiday that always seems to bring both sorrow and joy. The old hymn says, "Did ever such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?" This year, the theme of our Good Friday service at church was called "Unresolved". I've realized that I find this concept to be very fitting. Throughout my life, I remember leaving Good Friday services feeling very strange. I sang some lovely songs, I remembered what Jesus did for me, but ultimately I left with a feeling of brokenness...a happy-sad kind of feeling.
This year, my husband and I purchased an Easter Lily to dedicate to the baby that we lost. I haven't been through a lot of loss in my life. Whenever there has been an opportunity to buy something "In memory of a loved one," I haven't really had any one in mind. I lost three of my grandparents, and one great-grandparent when I was very young, but I either never met them or barely knew them...therefore the concept of doing something "In Memory of" didn't ring very true for me.
On Wednesday of this past week, Josh and I went to the doctor's office for our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. The morning before the appointment, I was very emotional. We hadn't been to the doctor in about a month, and the time that we waited felt like an eternity. It was difficult to believe that the day had finally come, when we might see our baby for the first time. I was very excited, but very scared all at once...so many emotions crammed into my body that I thought I might explode. On that day, I found myself in tears for no reason at all, except that I was overwhelmed.
When we arrived, we were given a nurse that I had never had before...she was very new to the doctor's office. When we came in for her to run some tests, she asked if this was our first visit. I never know how to respond properly to those kind of questions, and so I often end up either lying or guilt-tripping an innocent person. This time it was the latter.
I tried to briefly share that this was our second pregnancy. She sat me down to take my blood pressure, and began to ask me about my first child.....Was it a boy or a girl? Etc. I had to break the news that we had a miscarriage. BAM! Guilt-tripped! The same thing that I had done to an unsuspecting co-worker who asked me if I was pregnant, because she noticed I'd put on some weight.
The poor nurse didn't know what to do. She just became very quiet, and later said, "Sorry, I'm new here." My husband and I both were in a strange place that day. Our emotions were running very high. I guess at the time I wasn't too keen on making polite conversation with her. Things were awkwardly silent after that, but I didn't really care because I preferred to sit and think.
Finally, they brought us in to see the doctor! I think she predicted our anxious state, because she didn't want to waste any time. Without so much as a "Hello, how are you," she was doing the ultrasound. The seconds that passed before we saw anything on the screen felt like hours, but the relief that followed was great. The first words from the doctor's mouth were, "Wow! That's a big baby!" That and the sound of the heartbeat that followed were the greatest music to an anxious mother's ears.
I think that even after it was over, we both felt very unusual. I can only speak for myself when I say that I had become a bit numb. I wanted to be crying tears of joy, but I think I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst and in doing so turned myself in to a bit of an emotionless wreck. Sure, I had emotions, but I found it tough to let go so that they would just wash over me and consume me.
I finally finished reading The Hunger Games series this week. Sometimes when I know something is about to be over for good, I think I try to slow the process down to make it last a little longer. I really didn't want it to be over. I wanted more. In reading it, I became very emotional as I often do at the end of books or movies. Women, I've heard, have a greater tendency to put themselves into the characters shoes, so that they really feel what the character is feeling. This time, I felt it on a whole new level.
I don't think I'm giving away any major plot by quoting this, so don't worry if you haven't read it. Towards the end, the main character, Katniss Everdeen says the following: "I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do." This thought really struck a chord with me.
It's awful really, the inability to take joy from life for fear of loss. I definitely don't think that it's God's intent for us. God knew that we would struggle with our brokenness, that we would feel great pain. Jesus himself felt that pain. Both the reality of loss, and the fear of loss. I don't believe, however, that God meant for any of us to remain broken. This is one of the reasons that He is constantly calling us back to His side.
How can we overcome our brokenness and our loss? Well, for starters, by reminding ourselves of all the blessings that God has put in our lives, of all the goodness that He has done for us and through us, of all the people who we care for and who care for us. After all, Good Friday was followed by Resurrection Sunday. The resolution did come. He rose again, and with that resurrection gave us all a chance for new life.
It's wonderful to share the excitement of a new baby with everyone in our lives! It's so great to post photos of the tiny child growing rapidly inside of me. Lovely to think about the future that we will have as parents, and to try to think through the details of it all. However, there are still days, "Happy-Sad Days," where all I want to do is grieve the baby that we lost. Sometimes I think about what our life would be like if I were still going to have that baby in my arms next month. If I were to be celebrating this Mother's Day with a new baby in my house.
I haven't seen the Easter Lily that we bought. I don't expect I will, and I'm not sure I want to. Josh and I both forgot to bring it home for some reason, and I expect it has gone to the home of an elderly shut in or someone in a nursing home. That's really a better place for it. Like the child it represents, I don't believe that it was ever meant to stay with us for long.
"O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name."
It has been "Resolved." "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners," (1 Tim 1:15), and His purpose has been fulfilled. "It is finished."
Happy Easter.
This year, my husband and I purchased an Easter Lily to dedicate to the baby that we lost. I haven't been through a lot of loss in my life. Whenever there has been an opportunity to buy something "In memory of a loved one," I haven't really had any one in mind. I lost three of my grandparents, and one great-grandparent when I was very young, but I either never met them or barely knew them...therefore the concept of doing something "In Memory of" didn't ring very true for me.
On Wednesday of this past week, Josh and I went to the doctor's office for our first ultrasound of this pregnancy. The morning before the appointment, I was very emotional. We hadn't been to the doctor in about a month, and the time that we waited felt like an eternity. It was difficult to believe that the day had finally come, when we might see our baby for the first time. I was very excited, but very scared all at once...so many emotions crammed into my body that I thought I might explode. On that day, I found myself in tears for no reason at all, except that I was overwhelmed.
When we arrived, we were given a nurse that I had never had before...she was very new to the doctor's office. When we came in for her to run some tests, she asked if this was our first visit. I never know how to respond properly to those kind of questions, and so I often end up either lying or guilt-tripping an innocent person. This time it was the latter.
I tried to briefly share that this was our second pregnancy. She sat me down to take my blood pressure, and began to ask me about my first child.....Was it a boy or a girl? Etc. I had to break the news that we had a miscarriage. BAM! Guilt-tripped! The same thing that I had done to an unsuspecting co-worker who asked me if I was pregnant, because she noticed I'd put on some weight.
The poor nurse didn't know what to do. She just became very quiet, and later said, "Sorry, I'm new here." My husband and I both were in a strange place that day. Our emotions were running very high. I guess at the time I wasn't too keen on making polite conversation with her. Things were awkwardly silent after that, but I didn't really care because I preferred to sit and think.
Finally, they brought us in to see the doctor! I think she predicted our anxious state, because she didn't want to waste any time. Without so much as a "Hello, how are you," she was doing the ultrasound. The seconds that passed before we saw anything on the screen felt like hours, but the relief that followed was great. The first words from the doctor's mouth were, "Wow! That's a big baby!" That and the sound of the heartbeat that followed were the greatest music to an anxious mother's ears.
I think that even after it was over, we both felt very unusual. I can only speak for myself when I say that I had become a bit numb. I wanted to be crying tears of joy, but I think I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst and in doing so turned myself in to a bit of an emotionless wreck. Sure, I had emotions, but I found it tough to let go so that they would just wash over me and consume me.
I finally finished reading The Hunger Games series this week. Sometimes when I know something is about to be over for good, I think I try to slow the process down to make it last a little longer. I really didn't want it to be over. I wanted more. In reading it, I became very emotional as I often do at the end of books or movies. Women, I've heard, have a greater tendency to put themselves into the characters shoes, so that they really feel what the character is feeling. This time, I felt it on a whole new level.
I don't think I'm giving away any major plot by quoting this, so don't worry if you haven't read it. Towards the end, the main character, Katniss Everdeen says the following: "I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do." This thought really struck a chord with me.
It's awful really, the inability to take joy from life for fear of loss. I definitely don't think that it's God's intent for us. God knew that we would struggle with our brokenness, that we would feel great pain. Jesus himself felt that pain. Both the reality of loss, and the fear of loss. I don't believe, however, that God meant for any of us to remain broken. This is one of the reasons that He is constantly calling us back to His side.
How can we overcome our brokenness and our loss? Well, for starters, by reminding ourselves of all the blessings that God has put in our lives, of all the goodness that He has done for us and through us, of all the people who we care for and who care for us. After all, Good Friday was followed by Resurrection Sunday. The resolution did come. He rose again, and with that resurrection gave us all a chance for new life.
It's wonderful to share the excitement of a new baby with everyone in our lives! It's so great to post photos of the tiny child growing rapidly inside of me. Lovely to think about the future that we will have as parents, and to try to think through the details of it all. However, there are still days, "Happy-Sad Days," where all I want to do is grieve the baby that we lost. Sometimes I think about what our life would be like if I were still going to have that baby in my arms next month. If I were to be celebrating this Mother's Day with a new baby in my house.
I haven't seen the Easter Lily that we bought. I don't expect I will, and I'm not sure I want to. Josh and I both forgot to bring it home for some reason, and I expect it has gone to the home of an elderly shut in or someone in a nursing home. That's really a better place for it. Like the child it represents, I don't believe that it was ever meant to stay with us for long.
"O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name."
It has been "Resolved." "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners," (1 Tim 1:15), and His purpose has been fulfilled. "It is finished."
Happy Easter.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The Truth and Then Some: My Emotional and Spiritual Journey Through Miscarriage
I've been wanting to write for awhile now, but with me it's all about finding the right timing and being inspired. My husband says that I just haven't had insomnia for awhile....and thank God for that! However, this morning (after telling my husband last night how excited I was to sleep in today) I woke up at 8:00 a.m. and soon realized that I had no chance of falling back asleep. So, therefore, blogging was imminent.
Some people know a little about what my husband and I have been through these last few months, but many do not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, again, in early February we have been preparing how and when we would share this news with family and friends. That's right, I said "pregnant, again". About a week ago, Josh announced to our church that we had a miscarriage back in October (And, that we are expecting again...in October). I can say without hesitation that this has been the most difficult time of my life to date.
Perhaps because it was our first pregnancy, my initial reaction was to hold it all inside. I was unsure even about calling our parents. I never imagined that the first time I told my family about a pregnancy it would be bad news. Neither my husband nor I will ever forget our first appointment with the doctor. I was 8 weeks pregnant, preparing for my first ever ultrasound, the doctor's exact words to me were, "And now, the fun part!" But....what was to follow was not fun at all. We watched and waited for the signs of life inside of me, expecting her to find a heartbeat...and then the doctor got very quiet.
Josh reached for my hand and I looked at him knowing that something must be wrong. She told us that either our dates were off, or the baby might have stopped growing around 6 weeks. She said that it was too early for her to know what was wrong, and that I should take it easy the next few days and see what happens. It was a Wednesday afternoon that I will always remember, we sat in the car in a McDonald's parking lot and I cried. We decided to wait before we told anyone, put on a happy face, and go to youth group.
Sure enough, the next day at work I started spotting. I called Josh, afraid of what might be happening. I came home early, and that night we called our parents to ask for prayer. We attempted (to the best of our abilities) to make it a happy call. We started with the news that I was pregnant, and then told them about the doctor's concerns and the spotting. They were excited, hopeful, but scared just like us. The next few days I stayed home from fear of making things worse and fear of interacting with people.
On Sunday morning, I decided to sing on the praise team, and Sunday night we went to our small group. I didn't even make it to the end. I told Josh that we needed to go home, and there in the bathroom by myself I knew I had lost the baby. I nearly fainted from the pain and the shock. I can't remember anything I've gone through that was more physically or emotionally traumatic. The next few days just got worse. I'll spare you the disgusting details if you haven't experienced it yourself, but what happens after a miscarriage is unnatural and horrifying.
I know that my pregnancy was not very far along, still early in the first trimester. I know that there are many who have their own war stories that they will want to compare with mine. I have been tempted in the past to say things like, "Well, at least we weren't further along, " "At least the baby didn't have a name yet," "At least we hadn't told all of our friends and family." After reading through a devotional book with Josh called, "Grieving the child you never knew," I discovered that I don't have to justify my pain or compare myself to other grieving mothers. Every loss is unique and different, and still completely justified.
I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, and it was never my hope to be able to relate to others in this way, but I am able to see the good in that. I have a bit more understanding for what my mother went through in having two miscarriages (and even having to give birth to a still born, a beautiful baby girl who had already been named). I can relate a little better to our married friends that tried for years to conceive, then lost two babies before they gave birth to a healthy one, and lost two more since then. I can somewhat understand the pain of our friends that were told their child might die in the womb, and if not wouldn't live very long. I remember the pictures of them holding and loving their child, but only getting to have him in their lives a short time, because he never got to leave the hospital.
How are we coping you ask? Well, I have cried...a lot. Josh doesn't cry...ever...,but he has written a beautiful song for our baby that he claims he will never play live again. I've only heard it through a recording on his cell phone the day it was written. I think it's the best song he has ever written. The devotional book has helped a lot in the grieving process. And, we have opened up to others more recently. We told some mentors, close friends and family in our lives first. We told our small groups at the Passion Conference (a group of 7 strangers we would likely never see again). We told our small group at church, the church staff, and the elders....and then the whole church.
Please don't be offended if I/we haven't told you personally. I just hate talking about it more than anything. I know that it's good for me, that some people can relate or at least sympathize, but....I don't like crying in front of everyone I know. I don't like that feeling of vulnerability. And most of all, I don't like to go through all of the pain again. Sure, even as I write this blog I am crying, but I know I need to get this out. I need to tell my story, even if no one ever reads it.
And now, we are expecting another baby. We are absolutely terrified....not just because being parents will completely change our lives, but because there's still a chance we could lose this child before we get to meet it. I am almost 12 weeks....a little early to tell the world, we know, but the timing was right for us. We haven't even had our first ultrasound yet, which has definitely amplified the fear. I'm not sure if either of us is looking forward to going into that doctor's office, because we remember what happened the last time.
I'm so afraid of the doctor telling me that the baby hasn't grown or that she can't find a heartbeat, but I am trusting God. I prayed the other day that I would trust God and give him praise no matter what happens. So, if this baby goes straight to heaven just like it's brother or sister...I will be okay. I will grieve, again, but I will know that God is still there looking out for me. I will know that he still cares, and like the song says, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."
**Update- Our son is now 4 years old & has an almost 2 year old brother. Josh has played his song live before & posted it for free on Noise Trade for anyone who thinks they may find comfort in it. No donation is required. http://www.noisetrade.com/joshwright
Some people know a little about what my husband and I have been through these last few months, but many do not. Since I found out that I was pregnant, again, in early February we have been preparing how and when we would share this news with family and friends. That's right, I said "pregnant, again". About a week ago, Josh announced to our church that we had a miscarriage back in October (And, that we are expecting again...in October). I can say without hesitation that this has been the most difficult time of my life to date.
Perhaps because it was our first pregnancy, my initial reaction was to hold it all inside. I was unsure even about calling our parents. I never imagined that the first time I told my family about a pregnancy it would be bad news. Neither my husband nor I will ever forget our first appointment with the doctor. I was 8 weeks pregnant, preparing for my first ever ultrasound, the doctor's exact words to me were, "And now, the fun part!" But....what was to follow was not fun at all. We watched and waited for the signs of life inside of me, expecting her to find a heartbeat...and then the doctor got very quiet.
Josh reached for my hand and I looked at him knowing that something must be wrong. She told us that either our dates were off, or the baby might have stopped growing around 6 weeks. She said that it was too early for her to know what was wrong, and that I should take it easy the next few days and see what happens. It was a Wednesday afternoon that I will always remember, we sat in the car in a McDonald's parking lot and I cried. We decided to wait before we told anyone, put on a happy face, and go to youth group.
Sure enough, the next day at work I started spotting. I called Josh, afraid of what might be happening. I came home early, and that night we called our parents to ask for prayer. We attempted (to the best of our abilities) to make it a happy call. We started with the news that I was pregnant, and then told them about the doctor's concerns and the spotting. They were excited, hopeful, but scared just like us. The next few days I stayed home from fear of making things worse and fear of interacting with people.
On Sunday morning, I decided to sing on the praise team, and Sunday night we went to our small group. I didn't even make it to the end. I told Josh that we needed to go home, and there in the bathroom by myself I knew I had lost the baby. I nearly fainted from the pain and the shock. I can't remember anything I've gone through that was more physically or emotionally traumatic. The next few days just got worse. I'll spare you the disgusting details if you haven't experienced it yourself, but what happens after a miscarriage is unnatural and horrifying.
I know that my pregnancy was not very far along, still early in the first trimester. I know that there are many who have their own war stories that they will want to compare with mine. I have been tempted in the past to say things like, "Well, at least we weren't further along, " "At least the baby didn't have a name yet," "At least we hadn't told all of our friends and family." After reading through a devotional book with Josh called, "Grieving the child you never knew," I discovered that I don't have to justify my pain or compare myself to other grieving mothers. Every loss is unique and different, and still completely justified.
I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, and it was never my hope to be able to relate to others in this way, but I am able to see the good in that. I have a bit more understanding for what my mother went through in having two miscarriages (and even having to give birth to a still born, a beautiful baby girl who had already been named). I can relate a little better to our married friends that tried for years to conceive, then lost two babies before they gave birth to a healthy one, and lost two more since then. I can somewhat understand the pain of our friends that were told their child might die in the womb, and if not wouldn't live very long. I remember the pictures of them holding and loving their child, but only getting to have him in their lives a short time, because he never got to leave the hospital.
How are we coping you ask? Well, I have cried...a lot. Josh doesn't cry...ever...,but he has written a beautiful song for our baby that he claims he will never play live again. I've only heard it through a recording on his cell phone the day it was written. I think it's the best song he has ever written. The devotional book has helped a lot in the grieving process. And, we have opened up to others more recently. We told some mentors, close friends and family in our lives first. We told our small groups at the Passion Conference (a group of 7 strangers we would likely never see again). We told our small group at church, the church staff, and the elders....and then the whole church.
Please don't be offended if I/we haven't told you personally. I just hate talking about it more than anything. I know that it's good for me, that some people can relate or at least sympathize, but....I don't like crying in front of everyone I know. I don't like that feeling of vulnerability. And most of all, I don't like to go through all of the pain again. Sure, even as I write this blog I am crying, but I know I need to get this out. I need to tell my story, even if no one ever reads it.
And now, we are expecting another baby. We are absolutely terrified....not just because being parents will completely change our lives, but because there's still a chance we could lose this child before we get to meet it. I am almost 12 weeks....a little early to tell the world, we know, but the timing was right for us. We haven't even had our first ultrasound yet, which has definitely amplified the fear. I'm not sure if either of us is looking forward to going into that doctor's office, because we remember what happened the last time.
I'm so afraid of the doctor telling me that the baby hasn't grown or that she can't find a heartbeat, but I am trusting God. I prayed the other day that I would trust God and give him praise no matter what happens. So, if this baby goes straight to heaven just like it's brother or sister...I will be okay. I will grieve, again, but I will know that God is still there looking out for me. I will know that he still cares, and like the song says, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."
**Update- Our son is now 4 years old & has an almost 2 year old brother. Josh has played his song live before & posted it for free on Noise Trade for anyone who thinks they may find comfort in it. No donation is required. http://www.noisetrade.com/joshwright
Friday, January 13, 2012
Something to Blog About- What Gives Your Life Significance?
I haven't blogged in almost a year. It's been a long, crazy year. Today marks a little over a week, since my friends (from my small group) and I returned from the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I thought I might blog as soon as we got home, but I didn't really feel like it until tonight.....and what is different about tonight?....Insomnia of course. My husband has been passed out for awhile now from a combination of sickness and cold medicine, but my mind won't stop racing. One thing has been on my mind on and off since we left Atlanta, the question, "What Gives Your Life Significance?"
When I was younger, I'm pretty sure that I thought my life would matter if I had straight A's on my report card every term, if I had some kind of special talent or skill, if I had more friends than anyone else, or perhaps.....if I had a boyfriend....of course, not just any boyfriend. : ) As I grew older, I didn't just think that I needed MORE friends, just the RIGHT friends. I needed the RIGHT part in the school play. I needed the RIGHT prom dress. I needed to go to the RIGHT college. And, after all of that, I needed to find the RIGHT job.
As my friends and acquaintances started to get engaged, I began feeling that I was insignificant if I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding or asked to be in their wedding, or if someone chose not to attend my wedding. I was majorly frustrated and depressed by my inability to find a job quickly, and (in particular) to find the RIGHT job. I couldn't believe then, and still can't believe now how difficult it was for me to find a job.
I left my last job primarily so that I could help my husband more with his ministry. I started off with every intention of doing that. After being unemployed for several months, and even after finding work, I felt quite unsatisfied. I found out that working in a non-Christian environment for the first time in several years, getting home from work after midnight, and not making much money can really wear you down if you're not careful. I learned that it's hard to pour your self into ministry when you're feeling unhappy with your life...when you lack confidence in yourself, because you don't feel that your life has much significance.
A week ago, at Passion Conference, we were challenged in a way that I hadn't been in a long time. We were given a multitude of thought provoking ideas to pray over. We were pulled out of our comfort zone and put into small groups with 7 people we didn't know, from all over the country or even the world. We were asked to discuss and share with these people, and to open up about our spiritual lives. I found myself able to talk with those people about things that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends. I believe that God led me to grow emotionally and spiritually in those times, and to be very open and honest.
I found myself becoming deeply moved by all of the main sessions and even tearing up during most of the lesson times. I was reminded of many basic truths about Christianity. It's amazing how remembering who you are, why you are on this earth, and what gives your life significance can change your outlook. Taking almost a year off from blogging, I forgot what I had named by blog. Even now, I can't fully recall why I named by blog "Made Alive in Christ," but I do know what that phrase means to me.
From the first session of Passion on, what stuck in mind most was that I have been "Made Alive in Christ!" "We have been transformed!" It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me!" My life has significance and purpose if I use it for His glory, and it is only then that I feel truly alive. "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us; and if our God is with us, then what could stand against." One of the speakers, Christine Caine ( http://www.thea21campaign.org/ ), said to us, "The light shines brightest in the darkness." That quote really struck a chord with me, because I have had a desire to work full-time for a church or Christian organization, so that my life may have "significance." I was then reminded that my life can be used anywhere that I shine my light amongst men.
A friend of mine recently shared with me that she used to be unable to sleep at night, because she was afraid that she would die before she did something great for God. I think that this might be my problem as well. I spent a lot of time being angry at God, without even realizing it, when things in my life didn't go as I thought they should. I know now that I have simply been on a "search for significance," and I've been looking in all of the wrong places.
Thank you, God, for everything you have done and all that you will do.
-More later
When I was younger, I'm pretty sure that I thought my life would matter if I had straight A's on my report card every term, if I had some kind of special talent or skill, if I had more friends than anyone else, or perhaps.....if I had a boyfriend....of course, not just any boyfriend. : ) As I grew older, I didn't just think that I needed MORE friends, just the RIGHT friends. I needed the RIGHT part in the school play. I needed the RIGHT prom dress. I needed to go to the RIGHT college. And, after all of that, I needed to find the RIGHT job.
As my friends and acquaintances started to get engaged, I began feeling that I was insignificant if I wasn't invited to a friend's wedding or asked to be in their wedding, or if someone chose not to attend my wedding. I was majorly frustrated and depressed by my inability to find a job quickly, and (in particular) to find the RIGHT job. I couldn't believe then, and still can't believe now how difficult it was for me to find a job.
I left my last job primarily so that I could help my husband more with his ministry. I started off with every intention of doing that. After being unemployed for several months, and even after finding work, I felt quite unsatisfied. I found out that working in a non-Christian environment for the first time in several years, getting home from work after midnight, and not making much money can really wear you down if you're not careful. I learned that it's hard to pour your self into ministry when you're feeling unhappy with your life...when you lack confidence in yourself, because you don't feel that your life has much significance.
A week ago, at Passion Conference, we were challenged in a way that I hadn't been in a long time. We were given a multitude of thought provoking ideas to pray over. We were pulled out of our comfort zone and put into small groups with 7 people we didn't know, from all over the country or even the world. We were asked to discuss and share with these people, and to open up about our spiritual lives. I found myself able to talk with those people about things that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends. I believe that God led me to grow emotionally and spiritually in those times, and to be very open and honest.
I found myself becoming deeply moved by all of the main sessions and even tearing up during most of the lesson times. I was reminded of many basic truths about Christianity. It's amazing how remembering who you are, why you are on this earth, and what gives your life significance can change your outlook. Taking almost a year off from blogging, I forgot what I had named by blog. Even now, I can't fully recall why I named by blog "Made Alive in Christ," but I do know what that phrase means to me.
From the first session of Passion on, what stuck in mind most was that I have been "Made Alive in Christ!" "We have been transformed!" It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me!" My life has significance and purpose if I use it for His glory, and it is only then that I feel truly alive. "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us; and if our God is with us, then what could stand against." One of the speakers, Christine Caine ( http://www.thea21campaign.org/ ), said to us, "The light shines brightest in the darkness." That quote really struck a chord with me, because I have had a desire to work full-time for a church or Christian organization, so that my life may have "significance." I was then reminded that my life can be used anywhere that I shine my light amongst men.
A friend of mine recently shared with me that she used to be unable to sleep at night, because she was afraid that she would die before she did something great for God. I think that this might be my problem as well. I spent a lot of time being angry at God, without even realizing it, when things in my life didn't go as I thought they should. I know now that I have simply been on a "search for significance," and I've been looking in all of the wrong places.
Thank you, God, for everything you have done and all that you will do.
-More later
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Arrested Development
I have been setting out this week to actually finish watching the show Arrested Development. I am now half way through Season 3 and enjoying it thoroughly. It's sad that that show was so short lived. I decided to make that title the theme of this blog, because I think it's a pretty intriguing concept. I do understand that on the show the title has a sort of "double entendre", but I am referring to the idea of one's maturity, intelligence, or mental status to "stop developing or growing."
Psychologists have stopped using this term, because they prefer to believe that research indicates that all people continue to develop in way or another. There is another term, however, for adults who retain traits that are seen more commonly in juveniles. To try and avoid sounding like I'm writing my doctoral thesis here, I'm gonna try to get to my point. The question that I have been pondering is, "How do you know that you're growing?"
My church is in the middle of a sermon series called, "Let's Grow." So, I suppose that in the midst of that I have been contemplating whether or not I am growing. I think this can be a real relative thing to try and answer. I mean, am I a different person than I was in middle school, high school, or my freshmen year of college....I would really like to believe so. There aren't too many people in my life that could honestly tell me if that's true or not.
My parents: Sure, they have definitely known me the longest, but the question of to what extent do they really know me....well, I'm not so sure. My mother and I have developed (HEY! I developed something) a deeper, closer, more honest relationship than we had in the past. However, she is and will always be MY MOTHER. Therefore, she is reasonably biased. She has been known to tell me things about myself like, "What's not to love about you?!" Oh, mother, if only you knew. And, she does know, I suppose.....she has seen me at some of my worst moments. I always find that the people who know me best usually bring out the worst in me, whether I like it or not. It just so happens that my husband is the one there when I have my "dark days", and so he tends to incur my wrath.
I quit my job, in part, so that I could grow. So that I could be "happier", so that I could be a better wife (find a long lost love for cleaning), be a better youth sponsor, be a better friend, neighbor, family member; so that I could find the "job of my dreams (funnily enough that wasn't supposed to include a talking mouse and a castle)", so that I could grow in my relationship with God,.......and cure world hunger, peace on earth, find myself, eat, love, pray, all that good stuff.
It turns out that it takes a lot more than just a change of scenery to make all those things happen. And, apparently, it takes a lot more than just a college degree to find a job. It seems like just one surprise after another. Am I happier now? Not necessarily. Am I a better wife? In some ways, yes, in others, no. A better youth sponsor? Not really. A better friend? No. A better family member? No. Have I found the job of my dreams? Not even close. How about my relationship with God? Well, that's one that is always in need of growth. I'm really not sure if it can be measured by charts or graphs or human guidelines. One day it seems like he's with me every step of the way, and another he's hard to see at all.
How do I know that I am growing?
1 Peter 2: 2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
I'm just trying to remind myself of why the Lord is so good, and learn knew things all the time about God, myself, this world, and others. I want to be developing in all aspects of my life, but I don't think that all of those aspects tend to move at the same pace all of the time. Forgive me if I look like a bobble head, or Popeye the Sailor Man, because parts of me are growing and others aren't. I am trying, and more importantly praying that God will show me where I need to grow.
Psychologists have stopped using this term, because they prefer to believe that research indicates that all people continue to develop in way or another. There is another term, however, for adults who retain traits that are seen more commonly in juveniles. To try and avoid sounding like I'm writing my doctoral thesis here, I'm gonna try to get to my point. The question that I have been pondering is, "How do you know that you're growing?"
My church is in the middle of a sermon series called, "Let's Grow." So, I suppose that in the midst of that I have been contemplating whether or not I am growing. I think this can be a real relative thing to try and answer. I mean, am I a different person than I was in middle school, high school, or my freshmen year of college....I would really like to believe so. There aren't too many people in my life that could honestly tell me if that's true or not.
My parents: Sure, they have definitely known me the longest, but the question of to what extent do they really know me....well, I'm not so sure. My mother and I have developed (HEY! I developed something) a deeper, closer, more honest relationship than we had in the past. However, she is and will always be MY MOTHER. Therefore, she is reasonably biased. She has been known to tell me things about myself like, "What's not to love about you?!" Oh, mother, if only you knew. And, she does know, I suppose.....she has seen me at some of my worst moments. I always find that the people who know me best usually bring out the worst in me, whether I like it or not. It just so happens that my husband is the one there when I have my "dark days", and so he tends to incur my wrath.
I quit my job, in part, so that I could grow. So that I could be "happier", so that I could be a better wife (find a long lost love for cleaning), be a better youth sponsor, be a better friend, neighbor, family member; so that I could find the "job of my dreams (funnily enough that wasn't supposed to include a talking mouse and a castle)", so that I could grow in my relationship with God,.......and cure world hunger, peace on earth, find myself, eat, love, pray, all that good stuff.
It turns out that it takes a lot more than just a change of scenery to make all those things happen. And, apparently, it takes a lot more than just a college degree to find a job. It seems like just one surprise after another. Am I happier now? Not necessarily. Am I a better wife? In some ways, yes, in others, no. A better youth sponsor? Not really. A better friend? No. A better family member? No. Have I found the job of my dreams? Not even close. How about my relationship with God? Well, that's one that is always in need of growth. I'm really not sure if it can be measured by charts or graphs or human guidelines. One day it seems like he's with me every step of the way, and another he's hard to see at all.
How do I know that I am growing?
1 Peter 2: 2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
I'm just trying to remind myself of why the Lord is so good, and learn knew things all the time about God, myself, this world, and others. I want to be developing in all aspects of my life, but I don't think that all of those aspects tend to move at the same pace all of the time. Forgive me if I look like a bobble head, or Popeye the Sailor Man, because parts of me are growing and others aren't. I am trying, and more importantly praying that God will show me where I need to grow.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Searching For God Knows What
Okay, 6 a.m. again....although, this time I lay in bed crying for an hour and a half about the fact that my head, neck, jaw, and whole body hurt for some reason, the fact that I was supposed to get 3 more hours asleep but simply couldn't, and the fact that I have yet to find a job after almost 2 months of unemployment. I had taken medicine, used an ice pack, let my husband rub my head and back and hug me for awhile, and read some scripture before realizing that I was not going to fall back to sleep. I got up to find my book in the living room and read for awhile, but got distracted at the sight of my laptop...planning to blog......but, instead of blogging I wasted nearly an hour on the internet.
What does this prove? I am hopelessly distracted. I cannot seem to focus on one task for very long at all. I blame the modern media. I blame today's culture. I blame....okay, okay....no one to blame but myself. I am not incapable of focusing, but rather I choose to let myself be distracted. After glancing over the history list on my computer I find that I have been spending most of my (non-distracted) time looking for a job....and, failing. I am no sincerely concerned that maybe I really don't have any marketable skills. Admittedly, I found myself somewhat accidentally stumbling upon a job placement agency last week. Once I found it, and they called me to schedule an interview, I decided to go through with it....couldn't hurt, right?
I now find that these companies feel a bit like online dating sites. They lure you in with their attractive qualities and promises, and yet when it comes down to it you are not that much better off than you were on your own. There is the fact that they encourage you and build up your confidence to be successful, but really and truly you are still working with the same package....you. They do give you one particularly good thing though....the ability to market yourself. They agree to sell "You" to those who might be interested....those desperately seeking a "Single, White, Female with blonde hair, blue eyes, and excellent office skills (now...what man is looking for that exact description other then my husband...I do not know)."
Slightly changing subjects....being unemployed has allowed me to do some things that I normally would not have time for: cleaning and organizing my house, helping my husband more with his ministry, going on trips, visiting my family more, and...possibly what I've spent the most time doing....reading. I have been reading everything from Harry Potter to my old Psychology books. I have enjoyed every bit of it. Reading just because you feel like reading brings me so much more joy than reading for a grade ever did. Books provide me with so many different things....an escape from the world I'm living in, challenges to be a better person, learning more about who God is and who I am because of Him, and simply giving me a reason to live and live well.
I recently read Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" and have since started reading his "Searching For God Knows What." I believe that the second has already proven to be as interesting as the first. Donald Miller makes me think in a way that I haven't done in quite some time. He challenges me and wakes me up. I have also started reading the second Harry Potter, "Chamber of Secrets," and Arron Chambers book, "Remember Who You Are."
Despite what I said about reading Harry Potter so that I could escape from my present world into a world of fantasy and magic, the story of Harry Potter and how he overcomes the obstacles in his life is actually quite inspiring. I can't help but think of many orphaned teenagers, or teenagers stuck in terrible home environments that would love nothing more than to be taken away to a new world where they are valued, appreciated, and loved. I recently read in "Chamber of Secrets" how Harry finds that the biggest difference between the Weasleys' home and the Dursleys' home where he grew up is that all of the Weasleys' seemed to genuinely like him.
Arron Chambers' book is truly something great. I would recommend it to anyone, and I am in fact recommending that my small group do a study on it after we finish our current book.
I'd better go get ready now as my friend Crystal and I have a date with some butter beer in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter....mmm, nothing like Butter Beer for breakfast. : )
What does this prove? I am hopelessly distracted. I cannot seem to focus on one task for very long at all. I blame the modern media. I blame today's culture. I blame....okay, okay....no one to blame but myself. I am not incapable of focusing, but rather I choose to let myself be distracted. After glancing over the history list on my computer I find that I have been spending most of my (non-distracted) time looking for a job....and, failing. I am no sincerely concerned that maybe I really don't have any marketable skills. Admittedly, I found myself somewhat accidentally stumbling upon a job placement agency last week. Once I found it, and they called me to schedule an interview, I decided to go through with it....couldn't hurt, right?
I now find that these companies feel a bit like online dating sites. They lure you in with their attractive qualities and promises, and yet when it comes down to it you are not that much better off than you were on your own. There is the fact that they encourage you and build up your confidence to be successful, but really and truly you are still working with the same package....you. They do give you one particularly good thing though....the ability to market yourself. They agree to sell "You" to those who might be interested....those desperately seeking a "Single, White, Female with blonde hair, blue eyes, and excellent office skills (now...what man is looking for that exact description other then my husband...I do not know)."
Slightly changing subjects....being unemployed has allowed me to do some things that I normally would not have time for: cleaning and organizing my house, helping my husband more with his ministry, going on trips, visiting my family more, and...possibly what I've spent the most time doing....reading. I have been reading everything from Harry Potter to my old Psychology books. I have enjoyed every bit of it. Reading just because you feel like reading brings me so much more joy than reading for a grade ever did. Books provide me with so many different things....an escape from the world I'm living in, challenges to be a better person, learning more about who God is and who I am because of Him, and simply giving me a reason to live and live well.
I recently read Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" and have since started reading his "Searching For God Knows What." I believe that the second has already proven to be as interesting as the first. Donald Miller makes me think in a way that I haven't done in quite some time. He challenges me and wakes me up. I have also started reading the second Harry Potter, "Chamber of Secrets," and Arron Chambers book, "Remember Who You Are."
Despite what I said about reading Harry Potter so that I could escape from my present world into a world of fantasy and magic, the story of Harry Potter and how he overcomes the obstacles in his life is actually quite inspiring. I can't help but think of many orphaned teenagers, or teenagers stuck in terrible home environments that would love nothing more than to be taken away to a new world where they are valued, appreciated, and loved. I recently read in "Chamber of Secrets" how Harry finds that the biggest difference between the Weasleys' home and the Dursleys' home where he grew up is that all of the Weasleys' seemed to genuinely like him.
Arron Chambers' book is truly something great. I would recommend it to anyone, and I am in fact recommending that my small group do a study on it after we finish our current book.
I'd better go get ready now as my friend Crystal and I have a date with some butter beer in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter....mmm, nothing like Butter Beer for breakfast. : )
Friday, October 1, 2010
Job Hunting- It's Dangerous!
It's official, I only blog whenever I have insomnia.....
So.....I recently quit my job, by recently I mean almost 5 months ago, but my last official day was about a month ago.
So.....I recently quit my job, by recently I mean almost 5 months ago, but my last official day was about a month ago.
Since then I have had an interesting journey into what it means to be a "Real" Adult and apply for jobs. I have had a few interviews at this point, and none of them have been fruitful. It's pretty frustrating and stressful to put a lot of time into something and not have it pan out (side note- where does the expression "pan out" come from....panning for gold?!). I realize now that this is a normal problem to have at my age and in my situation. I went into college thinking not so much about my future and what kind of job I might like to have, but more about the overall experience and what I might like to study. I'm not going to say that I regret my decisions, but I do realize now (in retrospect) that there may have been other decisions that would make job hunting a bit easier.
Being an education major, for example, you're going in to get a teaching degree and you're leaving with the ability to find and get a teaching job. I almost chose teaching. I'm good with kids, my mom was teacher, my sister was almost a teacher and I would almost certainly be good at it too. However, when it came time to declare our majors, counseling seemed more interesting to me. I had a general psychology class during my senior year of high school and the teacher was very cool and funny, so OF COURSE I should be a counseling major.....excellent reasoning.
It turns out that I'm not entirely sure if there are any jobs in the counseling field that are really that appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that I myself am scared of the idea of going through counseling. I don't see it as something weird to do. I know that it's misguided to think that only crazy people go through therapy, and I know that I've been through plenty of things that are sure to mess me up in the head and make it a good idea for me to talk to a counselor....but, I just don't want to. I guess it's just fear. I think that a lot of that fear comes from a lack of trust.
Now, call me crazy (HA), but I somehow find it difficult to trust even a counselor who is required to keep what I tell her private. I don't think I really trust much of anyone. There have been a few select friends in my life who I have been able to open up to on a deeper level and tell things that I wouldn't tell most people, but I still haven't told them everything. I haven't really opened up about all my deepest hurt, pain, regret, shame, insecurities, and fears. On the contrary, I keep most people at arms length or more....on a sort of shallow level. I keep some people a little closer than arms length, and that is about it.
Let me admit, I'm a bit creeped out by hugs. I like getting them, but I hesitate to give them....especially to men.....I don't know why. I realized recently that I'm scared of the words "I love you," unless it's to my husband or a family member. I think this is just my paranoia or insecurity. I'm scared to tell someone that I love them unless I've heard them say it and I've said it back at least a hundred times, I think. At the point, I guess in my mind I finally believe that they really mean it, and it's not just something that they are saying in the moment or out of obligation. And, I am generally paranoid as to how much anyone really likes me.
I feel a little like a hypocrite, because I think that one of the sins that I struggle with the most, and yet also struggle the most to admit to, is gossip. I am so paranoid that other people don't really like me and that they are going to talk bad about me behind my back, and then I go and gossip all the time. I guess you could call it a case of the old cliche that "putting down other people makes us feel better about ourselves." I also think that maybe I tend to be a bit to open and honest in front of some of my friends. I then worry that the friends I'm comfortable gossiping in front of will become paranoid that I'm gossiping about them too, and then my whole life will be ruined because I will have no friends.
I use every tiny little situation where someone talks behind my back or says something negative about me as validation that they all hate me and talk bad about me all the time and that they would really rather not have me around at all. I blow everything out of proportion and worry far too much about the little things. My mother would say that I "Sweat the Small Stuff" and Kevin James would back me up on it.
All of this randomness is like a tour of my brain if you ask my husband. I change from one topic to the next like an endless circle connecting each subject my a tiny thread until I finally come full circle back to the start (usually after saying, "Now, what was I talking about," or "How did we start talking about this again). What I wanted to say is that job hunting stinks. I hate it. It seems exciting in the beginning.....like shopping for new clothes, finding a house, choosing a hotel, buying a new car.....but, like all of these things, in the end it comes down to a decision. The decision that you make be a big one or a small one, but for an indecisive person like myself every decision is painful.
It's like choosing a path, and it's okay if you pick one that takes you somewhere you don't wanna be. Getting started is what I see as the hard part. The first decision is to search for a job opportunity. Once you find one, then you decide whether or not you should apply. Once you have applied, then you have to decide how long you should wait before you try to follow up with the organization (or if you're like me you'll become depressed after a week of no word and assume that they don't want you). In the beginning I was very naive. I thought that every job interview would end with a definite offer and the ball was always in my court, but as it turns out, I've already faced plenty of rejection. Some people reject you before they have a chance to even meet with you. I've never felt so rejected in my life.
I guess what's strange is the part of me that is still keeping my head up and believing that I deserve a job that I will enjoy, and that will give extra meaning to my life. Ironically, I'm not looking for a job to add meaning to my life. I haven't worked in a month and I enjoy my life without work. I still volunteer at church 3 or 4 days a week and I am plenty busy just helping my husband with his job at church. I am looking for a a job to add extra money to my life, because right now we are living on a pretty tight budget.
We've come up with a workable plan. We can easily pay our bills with one income, but what we can't do is pay off our car more quickly than they would like us too, pay off my student loans before I die, and start actually saving money for when we decide to buy another car, or a house, or have kids. These things are all pretty important to me, and I really need to have a job in order to do that. I've thought about "making our (marriage) relationship into my job and staying home and wearing stretchy pants and watching t.v. all day," but I just don't think it's gonna work out.
I'm praying for the Peace that passes understanding to guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. I know that it can, because it always does, but sometimes waiting is the hardest part of the equation. I like to be in control of my life, to know what's going to happen next....to have a plan. But, as it turns out, I don't really know what tomorrow brings, and I've heard that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Worry is a major sickness, and I have to be careful or it will takeover my whole body...it will start with my brain, work it's way to my heart, and then that will be it. "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication submit your requests to God......"
I'm trying, Lord. : )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)